For many years in my adult life, even after coming to SA, I did not enjoy the year end holiday season. Even after celebrating Christmas seasons with my son and my ex-wife, I have struggled with a sour and grumpy attitude about the whole experience. During the last five to ten years of my “sober” marriage with my current wife, my dark holiday cloud at times brought her to tears.
In my last home there was a sump pump in my crawl space to remove excess storm water. It was a real piece of work — the wrong type of pipe was used to install it, the backflow prevention device didn’t work, several supports were missing causing the pipe to sag in places, and somebody had wrapped a broken 90 degree fitting with electric tape to try and stop a leak.
My disease destroyed the relationship between my father and me. He was a dominant alcoholic, disapproving of everything I did. Phone calls with my father ended with me throwing my phone to pieces against the wall. I believed this was a reasonable reaction for someone with a father like I had. I always acted out after calling him. My resentment against my father was fuel for my sexaholism.
In my experience, I see sobriety as a calm lake that reflects a blue sky, without clouds, without anxiety. I remember that when I had a relapse it was as if someone (myself) had thrown an immense rock and the waters on the surface of the lake were shaking, leaving my mind, my sensations, confused and altered, with anxiety to consume more and more.
I believe the SA newcomer has three levels of disturbance: temptation, obsession, and compulsion. The last level, compulsion, has to be broken first. This is done by the newcomer following every suggestion of the sponsor. When a sponsor suggests an action, I immediately face a decision: follow the sponsor’s suggestion or do what I want to do.
The last two weeks have been a huge opportunity for me to grow along spiritual lines. As always, if I just look, I can see how everything is interconnected, and teaching me new spiritual lessons.
As with a lot of things in the Program, I grew into sponsorship. First, I had to learn to be a good sponsee and work my own program well. Then when I began sponsoring, I learned from my sponsees. Here is what I have learned so far.
As I sit here in meditation, it is dawning on me the biggest threat lust has on me is it takes the cord of my soul and plugs it into myself, as the White Book suggests. It is absolutely impossible for me to be truly present for my wife, my kids, and real-life significant relationships.
For me this is a Program of action. I use a handful of coins with newcomers as a tool to explain Steps 1 through 3.
I would like to share how the program has given me the gift of lowering the volume of my fears. I cannot say that they are totally gone, but today I can live with them. I used to wake up in the morning with a feeling of dread when facing the day. The day scared me: the responsibilities, the fear of disappointing, the fear of surprises.
