My name is Marjorie; I’m a sexaholic with 11 years of SA sobriety. I entered SA in Montreal and have attended groups in Minneapolis-St. Paul, Colorado Springs, and Los Angeles. When I came to Peru I thought my only way of connecting with others would be by Internet.
Sexaholism does not care about nationality, politics, or religion. I am Russian—and I’m a good example of that. At the end of the 80s, observing the collapse of Communism, I found myself left with a deep sense of frustration, resentment, and fear.
My rock bottom was struck in 1999 when my daughter stumbled across some online chat I left on my computer. For some, suicide is the ultimate rock bottom. For me, losing the respect of my children in this manner was far worse.
Much of my life was like the moon. I was the largest and brightest object in the night sky. There is only one moon and nothing shined as bright as me. From my vantage, I was all-seeing and all-knowing.
Mixed face-to-face meetings are a great place for me to learn to respect myself in the presence of men. I have the option to go to a women-only meeting, but I have found (after hiding out in that women’s meeting for a year or two) that the mixed face-to-face meetings are 10 times better for my recovery and healing.
February 11th, 2008 Journal Entry: I let myself float off into the beginnings of lust this morning. But this time, strangely, I had an awareness of choice: an awareness of two worlds. The first was dark, although in my addiction it could seem bright and be full of expectation and excitement.
At our Monday evening group, we had an instance of a male SA being inappropriate with a female SA to the point where we had to ask for guidance. What an eye-opener to find out that there were no suggestions, no guidelines, no experience, strength, or hope that anyone I contacted had to share.
I know I am powerless over lust because of my inability to stop acting out despite knowing the outcomes and consequences. The ways I am powerless are many: I’ve continued to act out alone despite knowing that practicing the compulsion is directly opposed to becoming sober and maintaining sobriety.
I don’t know why you’re not able to stay sober, but I don’t think it’s the incapacity to be honest. Agonizing over that is like agonizing over grieving the Spirit—it happens to very few people.
Thanks to everyone who attended the “Welcome Home” convention in Akron the weekend of July 11-13, 2008. A total of 636 people attended the convention; 434 SA members and 202 S-Anons. Twenty-one people received scholarships.
