When I first came into the program, I had been a part of a prayer community. I thought I had a relationship with God. How surprised I was to learn the opposite! Not only did I not have a genuine relationship with God, I tried to manipulate Him in my everyday circumstances. I wanted to be God!
My neighbors have a large, angry dog which used to threaten my family as we walked by their house. I would raise my voice, stamp my feet and loudly command the dog, “No, go home!” The first couple of times it seemed to work, if only because the neighbor heard me, came to the door and called the dog home.
I’ve been grappling with the word enough. My mind wrestles with expectations around this concept. If I just do enough of the right things, then my wife will be kind to me; the internet won’t bother me; I won’t have to call my sponsor as much; I won’t feel so fearful, resentful, or angry.
“Sobriety is God’s gift to me, and I have to do something with it.” I spoke those words in a dream. Upon waking, my entire mind was focused on that one statement. With that one thought, my entire view of recovery has changed. Now I see that each day God offers me a gift of sobriety. He wants me to be sober. All I have to do is choose to accept it.
I believe that Steps One and Two are by far the hardest Steps, because they require no work—only belief and conviction born out of suffering. I was deluded about my understanding of Steps One and Two for many years. I hadn’t suffered enough, I hadn’t believed enough, and my conviction to change was weak.
As a teenager, I was pushed into treatment. I learned about Twelve Step programs there and worked my way through Step Five, but it was only the barest of beginnings and I really didn’t understand how the Steps worked. I loved the program, the history, the meetings, the instant friends everywhere, and the fellowship. I took on many service jobs. My understanding of recovery was to go to lots of meetings, participate in the fellowship, and have fun.
ESSAY is an essential and vital link to the fellowship for a loner, like me, without meetings available and very limited contact with other members of SA.
How many sexaholics does it take to change a light bulb?
In more than one place in the AA Big Book it says “...and when all else fails, work with another alcoholic.”
The hardest part of any Step work for me is starting my writing sessions. Once I get started, I usually have the momentum to continue because I know I’m doing a good thing for myself—like someone with a heart condition cutting down on salt.
