Even though my work schedule does not allow me to be available for regular group service, I do ask to lead meetings whenever I am there. I “fill up” on meetings when I am home. At work overseas, the time is spent studying the Steps and developing my relationship with God. The fact that SA works in spite of such a schedule is a testament to the power of the Twelve Steps.
We remain small with 6–8 regular members. It got kind of bleak over the winter when there often were only two of us at a meeting. However, we continue to draw new people. Many of them don’t return, but some do and that’s encouraging. The sharing is good and sobriety continues to grow — one day at a time.
Another quarter has passed and the Portland Thursday group is still alive and well. This past quarter enjoyed celebrations of two annual sobriety anniversaries: one year in January and four years in February. Cake never tasted so good! Attendance averages 12–16 people with newcomers every week.
At the San Diego International Conference business meeting, the Central Office Oversight Committee reported that the committee meets monthly by conference phone call. There have been nine such meetings. Each meeting has an agenda and is limited to one to one-and-a-half hours. The COOC has managed Central Office business since the departure of Roy K. as administrator.
The SA conference in San Diego gave me a strong sense of fellowship and a great hope for our future in recovery and growth. Something that struck me, however, was an experience which brought some questions to mind regarding our commitment to the Twelve Steps as an ongoing foundation for recovery.
After four months of living the SA way of accepting temptations which come and go in subtle forms, and trusting in the Lord of my understanding to “shield me from sudden misfortune,” I am glad to let you know I am progressing in victory over lust in my life. I look at every girl I encounter as God’s sacred and unique creation.
On December 28, 1990, I walked through the door of my first SA meeting. I had been brought to my knees by the disease of lust and sex addiction. I had used it to run from life and myself for 30 years. My time was up. I had tried to manage my life and could not. I was truly powerless. But that night turned out to be my homecoming. God was offering me one last chance, a path to the light. I accepted His offer. The war was over. I had lost.
Why is it so hard to give up those flirtations with lust? It’s because I can’t fully surrender my will over my own choices that causes me trouble. Even though I often know I should not do something or go someplace, I have trouble giving it up because I don’t want to admit that I can’t handle it. I want to believe that this time it will be different.
At first glance, sobriety questions seem easy to resolve. I think it’s so simple because I think, okay, so long as I don’t masturbate or sleep with another woman or a prostitute, then I’m sober. But is this really the case? Doesn’t sexual acting out begin when I go looking for a porno shop or porn flick or when I go into the sleazy part of town? My lust knows the narrowest recesses of my heart.
My recovery calendar page today says “Gratitude turns problems into blessings and the unexpected into gifts.” I am grateful for the reminder of how important gratitude lists have been to my recovery from sexaholism. During the first several months of sobriety, I wrote gratitude lists daily. My sponsor said to put 20 items on it per day.
