In previous visits to see my family, my wife and I have established a boundary of staying in a hotel. We learned to set this boundary through experience: it gives us space, privacy, and comfort that we would not have if we stayed at a family member’s house.
I came into SA when I was 23. In meetings, I would sometimes hear other members share about the tactics they had used in their sickness to isolate themselves from other sexaholics. I related to their tactics—thus making it easier for me to justify acting out.
Seven years ago, when I was 29, I came into SA after crossing one of my boundaries: I had an affair with a married coworker. It wasn’t the affair that made me realize I had a problem, however, but the fact that my affair partner wanted to become emotionally attached and I wasn’t interested.
My struggles with sexual fantasy began when I was five years old. I began masturbating when I was ten. But in the summer of 2009, when I was 27, I walked into SA and have been sober ever since, by the grace of God alone.
One day, while I was still active in my addiction, I threw away my pornography collection and swore off masturbation. My resolve didn’t last long however, and soon I was back to my old habits.
Recently, I was challenged to write a gratitude list of 10 things that I am grateful for in my recovery. Among the items I listed was the word “HOPE.” It was the only word on my list that I had written in all caps.
Early in my sobriety, I heard a member share that we will never be free from the temptation to lust, but we can gain progressive victory over it. I wasn’t comfortable with that statement for a long time. I wondered, “Can we never be free from the temptation?” Today I believe that, although we will never be cured, we can experience progressive freedom from temptation, just like progressive victory over lust.
In September 2007, I lost 18 years of SA sobriety—or so I thought. Looking back, I see that I was hardly ever sober, not in my mind anyway. I had thought that all I needed to do was to not act out, and I had done that since 1989—a few months before joining SA.
I’m a sexaholic, married to the man who wrote the previous story. My husband is serving time in prison for crimes he committed while active in his sexaholism. Our story is one of hope. We’ve been told that we will never be a family again because of society’s laws and judgments—but we choose to see our family differently.
My life has been a succession of moments, the next one always building on the results of this one, this one having resulted from the fruits of the last one, good or bad. In the past, I failed to understand the impact my decisions would have on my attitudes, habits, cravings, and expectations.
