Before working the Steps, I thought humble meant humiliated. I thought it meant being embarrassed, feeling less than, angry, and losing my self-respect. If a task was too big for me, I was too small to be worthwhile. I learned that I was less than I should be, that there was something wrong with me.
Before recovery, I tried to appear squeaky clean. I tried to hide my mistakes and my whole shadow side. Nothing was ever my fault. I would point out someone else’s weaknesses as a smokescreen, but I never drew attention to my own. I was alternately in denial or in despair about my character defects and the hopelessness of my life.
How many sexaholics does it take to change a light bulb?
I work in a building with three elevators. Because it’s an older facility, sometimes one of the elevators isn’t working. Usually that’s not a big deal; it just means waiting a few minutes longer to get upstairs to my work area. The other day, however, I came to work to find that two elevators were down.
Yielding to lust warped my mind tainted my vision tore my heart bent my soul.
As I progress in the discovery of my true self, I often come upon the “Reality Check.” This is the time when I recognize the truth of who I really am on the inside. I may catch myself thinking, “I snapped at a moment’s notice! I flew off the handle.”
When I first came into the program, I had been a part of a prayer community. I thought I had a relationship with God. How surprised I was to learn the opposite! Not only did I not have a genuine relationship with God, I tried to manipulate Him in my everyday circumstances. I wanted to be God!
My neighbors have a large, angry dog which used to threaten my family as we walked by their house. I would raise my voice, stamp my feet and loudly command the dog, “No, go home!” The first couple of times it seemed to work, if only because the neighbor heard me, came to the door and called the dog home.
I’ve been grappling with the word enough. My mind wrestles with expectations around this concept. If I just do enough of the right things, then my wife will be kind to me; the internet won’t bother me; I won’t have to call my sponsor as much; I won’t feel so fearful, resentful, or angry.
I believe that Steps One and Two are by far the hardest Steps, because they require no work—only belief and conviction born out of suffering. I was deluded about my understanding of Steps One and Two for many years. I hadn’t suffered enough, I hadn’t believed enough, and my conviction to change was weak.
