In March 2018, I had been sober for about three years ... I relapsed. It took me completely by surprise. Later, when making my inventory about it, I could see that the disease, very cunningly, had slowly conquered its way back in. From time to time I had purposely let short lust thoughts in, which I did not completely surrender.
My mind, my thinking, is sick. It creates continuously judgments and prejudices. These are distorted ideas and beliefs about what is right and what is wrong. I judge the events in my life and believe they should have been different. I judge other people, I judge myself, I judge God. I cannot trust my thinking or judgement.
I started my SA story in a rural town in Australia. There were no SA meetings near me at the time. Being a sexaholic in a rural area is very challenging because there is a bad stigma attached to sex addiction. There was a Royal commission into sex abuse in the church. There are a lot of old world views where sex addiction is seen as something bad; something that doesn’t belong in our community.
In 2014 I first heard about the program of SA. I identified myself with it, I knew I needed it, but I did not dare take the step and join the program. There were many prejudices in me that prevented me from doing so. I was afraid: I thought they were going to judge me and condemn me since I was leading a double life, a double moral standard.
When I joined the SA fellowship, I was afraid that it may have been a sect and incompatible with my faith. I wanted it to be a fellowship endorsed by the Church to which I belonged. But I saw members around me who were sober and that was what kept me coming back to meetings.
The Cambridge English Dictionary defines “Prejudice” as follows: an unfair and unreasonable opinion or feeling, especially when formed without enough thought or knowledge.
Why would a man, 80 years old with 36 years of sexual sobriety, still be utilizing the same tools he used when he first came to the program?
Being a religious Jew wearing a yarmulke (skull cap) I was taught to live with fear that there is prejudice towards me and “my kind.”
After seven years of sobriety I relapsed. I called my sponsor, dreading his reaction. He was kind but very clear. One of the things he told me was to take stock of all program actions I normally practiced. Had I been practicing them? Were there some I had stopped doing or only doing occasionally?
One of the most effective Practical Tools is humor. I have been sober for a long time. I tried to give my recovery knowledge away like a fire hose. I realized I was overwhelming newcomers with way too much information at one time. I slowed it down to a garden hose.
