Sober Dating
My experience in Sexaholics Anonymous is that for most of us, significant relationships are part of our recovery. I never tell my single SA sponsees not to date because they are going to date anyway, and I don’t want them thinking they have to lie to me. SA is not a program of celibacy for all—thank God.
One way that I find myself still engaging in lust is to say something—anything—that might be flattering to a woman. I might say something about a woman’s hair, or her earrings, or clothing, or perfume. Other times I will compliment what a woman has done well, when my motives are unclear.
Hi, my name is Yitzy and I’m a sexaholic. My sobriety date is October 30, 2018. My home group is ESH of Brooklyn, NY. I have a sponsor and I have taken all 12 Steps and I sponsor others. I would like to thank my Higher Power, who I choose to call God for allowing someone like me to have this amazing experience with dating in recovery and to be able to share it with others.
For the sexaholic there is nothing good about obsession. One way to surrender obsessing is singing the Obsession Song. The lyrics are below and the tune is Frère Jacques.
Over three sober decades in SA there have been quite a few pieces of “bad news” for us sexaholics. They all arise, like our entire program, from our experience, strength and hope. Each issue of Essay under Practical Tools we’ll share some pieces of “bad news”: • Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. There is no wiggle room in this statement.
A member wrote about how he is triggered so often by other people. When we discussed what he really meant by the word triggered, he answered, “I was attacked by lust.” He’s suffering and feeling that our program is not working for him.
I had a sponsee who would call me every day with a check in. I laid out a daily program of action like the one that was given to me. Every few days he would call to report he had lost his sobriety. I would say the same thing every time. Did you slide out of bed to your knees for morning prayers? Did you do your daily readings? Did you call 2 other SA members? And so forth. His answers were always the same, a half-measures “no” on most of the suggestions.
Sexaholics Anonymous reaffirms itself as a fellowship of men and women in an SA Meeting Participation Statement that emphasizes that a “…spirit of inclusivity is fundamental to the identity of an SA group.” For valid reasons, women are a minority in SA meetings. Many meetings have no women at all. This makes it very difficult for a female newcomer to feel welcome in SA, even though she needs the SA program every bit as much as her male counterpart.
