Willing to Go to Any Length
Hi, David. It’s Max. I wanted to call. I’m having a good day today. Had some lust earlier. I’m surrendering it. I’m feeling pretty good and feeling good about that. I’m grateful for the program and grateful that I don’t have to live in lust. Today I feel like I’m practicing humility and remain teachable.
I arrived 45 minutes late to my first SA meeting. Actually, I was a lifetime late, but that is another story.... It was also the 20th anniversary of the death of my mother and the beginning of my connection to a fellowship of people around the globe that has supported me into my seventh year of sobriety, which has seen fruits in my personal and professional life I would never have even dreamed possible, even before my life fell apart. Other than that, it wasn’t a remarkable evening.
First, I’ve got to take responsibility for myself. Of the dozen or so loners in foreign countries I know of who have not been able to stay sober and where groups have not formed, there is one fact in common: They never found their Dr. Bob. That is, they never found one other sexaholic who wanted sobriety. They tried to do it on their own or have it done for them in a ready-made group. They did not come to the desperate willingness to reach out to another and try to help them. That’s where the grace of God comes in to expel the obsession.
One year into my sobriety (thanks to His grace) I began my first ever 90 days of sexual abstinence with my wife. Then my sponsor gave me the following direction: “We want you to give up your right to drive your car, one day at a time.”
My Step One experience brought me to the bedrock belief that I am powerless over lust, that my life had become unmanageable. That powerlessness resulted in a experiential understanding that I had no control anymore over lust. Lust controlled me, and there was nothing I could do in my effort to change that.
Some time ago I found an unusual black box in the dashboard of my car. It was a SatNav (also known as a GPS) with the initials GOD printed on it. I didn’t program this SatNav, and I do not know the destination. God did that.
At the beginning of my plunge to the bottom, everything looked perfect on the outside. I was well educated, successful in business, had a lovely family, traveled frequently on business. It seemed like life was going well. My inner reality was somewhat different. Business travel presented an ideal opportunity to act out of my lustful fantasies.
There are probably as many ways of practicing humility as there are people in the SA Fellowship, but a few are common to all of us. First, we admit we need help daily. Second, we ask for help. Third, we accept the help we receive. The only condition is that I can’t ask someone to do for me what I can do myself at the time of asking.
What if, just for today, I surrender my fear, my sense of being overwhelmed? What if, just for today, I surrender my ecstasy of successes or accomplishments? What if, just for today, I turn over to my Higher Power the trials and triumphs of the day? What if those surrenders let me focus on the one next right thing I need to do?
When in my first year I was literature chair for my home group, I purchased several anniversary chips for those that may want to carry a nicer anniversary token. At my one-year anniversary as my sponsor was ready to hand out chips, I slid this beautiful one-year token across the table and smiled. He picked it up and looked at it with great admiration. Then he reached in the token box, pulled out a bronze one-year chip, and handed it to me.
