Step Nine showed him how to proceed without putting himself down. I am Tim, from Brussels. I discovered I am a sexaholic about two years ago. After a summer of destructive acting out, a painful rock bottom, and therapy, it became clear that I needed help from a 12-Step program. It was a great relief. I have been addicted to lust since my teenage years without knowing it.
This letter is for every man I ever had sex with. I want to write this letter to make my amends to you. I have used you, either once or regularly, to fill an emptiness inside me that was impossible to fill with human “power.”
I have been struggling with my 9th Step for almost a year now due to Covid and all that not being able to travel freely. But in the past two months at the encouragement of my sponsor I have discovered writing letters like this and have found much freedom in them:
I am ready in Step 7 to ask God to remove another shortcoming and in Step 9 make amends to someone I hurt. I was ready with resentment and anger when my spouse opposed me or came to me with a complaint. In truth, it was never the content of her words but the temperature of my lust fever that determined my response because I wasn’t getting what I wanted.
As I worked the Steps, I had difficulty staying focused because I had looked ahead and knew Step Nine was in my future, and I was scared. My sponsor kept telling me, “Don’t worry. When you get to Step Nine, you will be ready.”
When I was sixteen years old I was caught having sex with my girlfriend. We had skipped school and headed to my house. A few hours later my parents came through the door. I was busted. I remember the embarrassment, anger, and disappointment I saw on my parents’ faces. At sixteen I was a full blown sexaholic, I just didn’t know it yet.
When I met with my sponsor to discuss my work on Step Eight, I was surprised that he crossed out several names on my list. He approved of my making direct amends to my wife (who knew about my acting out), but he said it might be hurtful for me to make direct amends to some of the other people on my list.
In my addiction, I harmed many people whose names I don’t even remember. As I was considering how to make amends to these people, my sponsor pointed me to a passage in the White Book: “There is always some way to make an amends, even when the injured person is dead, lost, or nameless. …
To the women I objectified and used, How can I make an amends to you? I don’t know you. I can’t track you down; it would be wrong for me to even try. So I am writing this letter, and I will put the rest into God’s hands.
My addiction caused me to lose my business, my reputation, and my home. While addiction devastated me, it was inevitable that my family would suffer. Toward the bitter end, everything had gone so far down that I doubted I could ever make things right again.
