Earlier today I was talking with my wife about some older friends who attend a religious service every day of the week. As we discussed their devotion, she said that the way in which I work my SA program is pretty much like that, too. I agreed with her.
I’m a sexaholic which means I’m powerless over lust and lust will always win the battle if I try to stop my diseased mind from lusting. Powerlessness means the battle is already lost. There is no point in trying to struggle any longer. I have nothing left to do but unconditional surrender.
When I went through my first 90-day abstinence period, my sponsor suggested that one purpose for this abstinence was to discover that sex was totally optional. My wife and I have done several abstinence periods, from 45 to 90 days. Each experience brought a deeper understanding about ourselves and this disease.
My name is Tom and I am a recovering sex addict, gratefully sober for eight years. I am constantly reminded that I still need the program, including the Steps, my sponsor and the Fellowship. Recently in a local SA meeting I reflected on an Essay article about masturbation that we read and shared.
My dysfunctional family and religious tradition taught me to feel fear and shame, particularly surrounding “impure thoughts” and “touching yourself.” These feelings were very intense and too painful to bear, and I escaped them in a way that became a very deeply-ingrained pattern of thought and behavior.
One of the hallmarks of my sexaholism is isolation. I consider isolation more than just shyness or introversion or not liking to be around people.
For the last five years, by the grace of God, I have not lusted when fully awake. When a triggering sexual image pops up, my eyes seem to automatically look away. I do not take that deadly first drink. Instead, I say a prayer. “I surrender my right to be comfortable! Please bless me so I can be helpful to other sexaholics.” Then I make a phone call.
Last week I was sitting at home, tired after doing some work on the house, looking forward to a nice warm shower. Suddenly my wife said to me: “Hey, why don’t you take a shower?” At the tone of her suggestion, I started getting angry for her giving me unsolicited advice. Who is she to tell me what I should do? She is trying to control me!
My experience prior to SA recovery had been that struggle was necessary. The only defense against lust was to exert as much energy as I could muster to fight and struggle against it. Lust proved to always be more powerful than me, and thus I always lost the fight. I am powerless over lust (Step One), plain and simple.
One night, at our home group meeting we discussed the SA group’s Primary Purpose—to carry its message to the sexaholic who still suffers (Tradition 5). Someone commented how helpful it would be to have a visual explanation of the Steps to share with newcomers. Below is what we created, and it has helped many newcomers ever since.
