For over twenty years I lived in the merciless downward spiral of Lust. As my disease progressed, the unmanageability increased, the consequences were greater, and I was powerless to save myself. By the Grace of God, over 9 years ago I walked into a meeting of SA and was given the gift of freedom. Yet, that gift of freedom did not happen overnight nor by accident. It took many years of good Step work and quality sponsorship to get to a comfortable and clean sobriety.
The so-called 18-Wheeler (“Overcoming Lust and Temptation,” SA 157) has been a series of trust building exercises for me. My sponsor suggested I read one wheel a day, reflect on it, and share my thoughts and experience as I go along.
The sexaholic on the telephone was palpably discouraged. “My lust does not seem to be getting better,” he said. “I still want to type sexual search terms into my computer. I find myself fantasizing about contacting women I’ve seen. Why doesn’t my lusting get better?”
One night not too long ago my wife said to me “Why don’t you bring home some wine and chocolate after work, and we could have sex.” She said that to me having just asked if I was interested in having sex at that moment, but I said I was tired. In this situation I think the two of us not having had sex for over a year had something to do with my response.
Earlier today I was talking with my wife about some older friends who attend a religious service every day of the week. As we discussed their devotion, she said that the way in which I work my SA program is pretty much like that, too. I agreed with her.
I’m a sexaholic which means I’m powerless over lust and lust will always win the battle if I try to stop my diseased mind from lusting. Powerlessness means the battle is already lost. There is no point in trying to struggle any longer. I have nothing left to do but unconditional surrender.
When I went through my first 90-day abstinence period, my sponsor suggested that one purpose for this abstinence was to discover that sex was totally optional. My wife and I have done several abstinence periods, from 45 to 90 days. Each experience brought a deeper understanding about ourselves and this disease.
My name is Tom and I am a recovering sex addict, gratefully sober for eight years. I am constantly reminded that I still need the program, including the Steps, my sponsor and the Fellowship. Recently in a local SA meeting I reflected on an Essay article about masturbation that we read and shared.
My dysfunctional family and religious tradition taught me to feel fear and shame, particularly surrounding “impure thoughts” and “touching yourself.” These feelings were very intense and too painful to bear, and I escaped them in a way that became a very deeply-ingrained pattern of thought and behavior.
One of the hallmarks of my sexaholism is isolation. I consider isolation more than just shyness or introversion or not liking to be around people.
