I woke up this morning thanking God. Then I prayed this simple prayer: “God grant that I may love Thee always and follow Thy will. Do with me according to Thy will.” Then I did my daily readings. It wasn’t always that way. Today I’m enjoying over three years of sexual sobriety. But again, it wasn’t always that way….
Thank you very much. It is beautiful to be with you. I have looked for this opportunity for some time and now it is here.
I was born into a large extended family in eastern Canada. My father held down two jobs and operated a mixed farm with his father. My mother was young and overwhelmed with responsibility. When my father was home I would try to talk to him and do things with him but I had little or no success. I realize today he was trying to recapture some much needed sleep.
My name is Michael and I’m a sexaholic. It feels weird to say that in front of several hundred people. It’s not something we can be very proud about in front of the normal public, but it’s something I can say here with confidence that it won’t go beyond the doors. Back in 1940 or so it would be awfully strange to say to a crowd this size that you were an “alcoholic.” This is a very strange disease, and it has a lot of shame to it. What’s wonderful is to be able to be in a crowd this size and know that when I talk about how awkward I used to feel and how wonderful I feel now, there’s a bunch of people out there who know what I’m talking about.
Every time we say—and it sounds contradictory, doesn’t it?—we are trudging the Road of Happy Destiny, trudging sounds like a burdensome sort of thing, and Happy Destiny a bit odd, too. And every time we say that, which is at every meeting, there’s a sort of a snicker, or you feel a heaviness, or there’s a bit of a smile as you say “trudging the Road of Happy Destiny.”
Let me begin with a clear and obvious announcement to you. I am sick. I am very sick. And I was terribly sick. Because of this illness I am with you in the great and wonderful, life-giving fellowship of SA. I’m delighted to be able to do this.
During high school I was getting more and more confused. I would hitchhike and pick up men for sex in exchange for money to buy drugs or impress my friends. My “friends” were druggies. I was surprised that good looking girls would hang around me. I was an egomaniac with an inferiority complex.
Fourteen years ago, on a Memorial Day weekend, I was finishing my third hour in a porno shop. I had spent the three-day weekend in almost total obsession. Finally someone entered my viewing booth for sexual contact.
As a shy and overweight teenager, I retreated into a secret world of masturbation. This covered feelings I couldn’t handle and made me feel good about myself. It was my first drug: medication through masturbation.
I write this to express my gratitude to my Higher Power and SA for the gift of sexual sobriety. It has been a goal all my life but I could not attain it on my own, no matter how I tried. God knows how hard I tried! I grew up in an alcoholic home with a lot of violence. My father was an alcoholic who never got into recovery. My mother was a devout Irish Catholic who taught us children to be loving, decent and above all, to be chaste. I could not live up to that and consequently, I was prey to a lot of shame and guilt as I grew up.
