When I was a small boy of three or four years of age, I was the first to go to bed. I used to hide my head under the pillow and dream about women of beaming beauty. There wasn’t anything explicitly sexual, but I fused with them. I remember at that age walking with a two-year-old girl and immediately getting a weird feeling of being “connected” to nature and the whole universe — and being afraid of that small creature.
I never knew I was a sexaholic. In the six weeks between the time I heard of Sexaholics Anonymous and my first meeting, I did a lot of honest soul-searching. I was working the program in AA and considered myself safe from the dangers of other addictions. I wavered between ignorance of my sexaholism and denial of what I did know. Denial was my first reaction to everything.
It was in a porn magazine, ironically, that I first learned of SA. This new group for sex addicts was mentioned in a short article of the ha-ha-guess-what variety. I did not laugh; it sent a chill down my spine. Two months later a local newspaper carried the famous “Dear Abby” column, and I was one of the multitude who wrote to Simi Valley. I received the SA brochure and a letter inviting me to write again if I wanted further information.
My journey into sexual recovery started when, after a particularly sordid and degrading sexual experience, I discovered I had crab lice. When I realized this, there was a sinking feeling of terror in the pit of my stomach…. Waiting three months for the result of an HIV test, fearing the worst and wondering — knowing — what the reaction of my wife would be, was the most painful experience of my life.
I was 44 years old, married for 23 years, a father of four children and a successful professional person. Yet there I was, leaving a porno store, disgusted with myself once again. It was hopeless. Anonymous sex had become a daily occurrence. I knew I was going to lose my wife, my children and my profession. I was ready to lose it all rather than fight it one more moment.
My name is Patrick, and I’m a sexaholic. I’ve been sexually sober for 28 days, nine months and two years, by the grace of God. And I never thought I’d ever be able to be sexually sober in my life. I was totally powerless over sex, over lust. My life was incredibly out of control, and today I can smile; today I’m happy. I never thought that day would come. I waited a long time for it [Laughter], a long, long time, and I paid a price for this fellowship, which was the highest price that I could ever be expected to pay.
Through the grace of God and the fellowship and Steps of Sexaholics Anonymous, I have experienced countless victories over lust. Also, I have not found it necessary to act out upon my sexual addiction since July 16, 1991. For this, I will probably never be truly grateful enough.
Hi, my name is Mike, and I’m a recovering sexaholic. And I’m grateful to be here sober tonight through God’s grace, and all of you people. A couple of years ago we had Thanksgiving dinner at my house for the first time. My whole family came. I figured I should say something before we all ate, but I knew there were lots of things going on in the family, so I didn’t know quite what to say.
My name is Harry, I’m a sexaholic. I’ve been sexually sober since February 3, 1986. Expressing my gratitude to God and the fellowship for my recovery will take the rest of my life, and beyond. Jess promised he would help me with this talk if I volunteered to give one, and so I volunteered, and he also said it might be good to prepare the talk and then have a trial run to see how it went….
I would like to share a story with the members of this program—some I know, some I will meet and some I may never meet, but I share a common bond with each one of you. We are sexaholics and we care about each other’s sobriety.
