I found myself fully confronted with this question back when I started working the Steps in earnest with a sponsor. Up until that time, I had been willing to settle for periodic “lengths” of sobriety. Because I’m an addict and quite insane when I’m lusting, I had figured that was good enough. I believed I could fight against lust.
When I walked through these doors, all I knew was that I had screwed up, got caught, and wanted to get out of my predicament. My wife was ready to end 38 years of marriage and be rid of me—and my mood swings, impatience and insatiable demands for sex. I got a sponsor and began the Steps.
There was an exceptional meeting tonight in Boston. I walked into the meeting with a lot of restlessness and discontent. We read the portion of Alcoholics Anonymous on fear. My Higher Power helped me realize during the shares that I am afraid because I am using this program like just another tool to run my life. I’m being self reliant.
Sometimes I look back and wonder why it took me so long to finally start living by the most basic and bedrock principles of the 12 Step program. No doubt I was still unwilling to really surrender, so I kept trying to solve my own problem with my own ideas and effort.
Many groups, religious and non-religious, have long experience practicing meditation. Here are some of the practices that they have found helpful.
Alcoholics Anonymous (the “Big Book”) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions have proven to be indispensable guides in my recovery journey. When I place these two recovery manuals alongside Sexaholics Anonymous, our White Book, I find helpful connections.
Steps 1-3 brought me into the SA program (vs. just participating in meetings). Steps 4-9 under the guidance of a sponsor took me though the process of reconciling with my past and connecting rightly with God and others. Steps 10-12 keep me in right relationship with God and others and show me a path ahead to keep growing spiritually.
I am seeking a timeless and relevant God to assume ownership of all my affairs and provide guidance for all future decisions. This God will negotiate all interactions between me, my true self, and the rest of creation. My new Higher Power will direct my steps to either avoid or correctly navigate difficult and painful situations, self-induced or otherwise, at His discretion.
In the cell block I have a friend Seth. He talks to me, is friendly and warm. He has been open and honest about his heroin addiction.
Have you ever known something—then you didn’t? Have you ever believed it—then you didn’t? Have you had faith and lost it? I have. I was a student, teacher, preacher and leader. I knew the Bible inside and out. I had faith that my God was real. I believed it with all my heart. However, I had a secret. That secret was my addiction. This addiction ate at my core.
