Dealing With My Pain
Before joining SA I tried so many times to stop acting out but nothing worked for me, so I used to tell myself that there was no recovery when I heard stories about people who were in recovery. I thought of it as nothing!
Before joining SA I tried so many times to stop acting out but nothing worked for me, so I used to tell myself that there was no recovery when I heard stories about people who were in recovery. I thought of it as nothing!
My home group is in St. Petersburg, Russia, but one year ago I moved to Hanoi, Vietnam, where there are few other recovering sexaholics. My recovery started the day I came to an SA meeting. Since that day my life has changed a lot, and it is still changing. I am grateful for everything, past, present, and future. My life is happening exactly as the God of my understanding wants, so I accept everything life brings to me. I want to live this life.
I’ve been a sexaholic my whole life, and it’s the most important fact in my life. I’ve other addictions and other Fellowships also. Sexaholism is not the one which would kill me quickest, as the saying goes, but it is the major focus of my life in recovery, being the most all-encompassing and all-pervasive of them.
I am sober by the SA sobriety definition eight years now, by the grace of a Higher Power. I like the number eight because it reminds me of the infinity sign. And even though I'm still learning to live within the day, the program offers me endless hope, day by day.
I am part of the duo that welcomes newcomers in an SA email group called SA Net. SA Net currently has over 1,000 members where the majority transition to meet on Zoom leaving few to actively participate on email. I am one of the few and have found great recovery in not only participating in SA Net but also in doing service.
My name is Meira. and I am a sexaholic. Or perhaps, more correctly, a lustaholic. I was using lust to cope with life as far back as I can remember, perhaps from the age of four or five. At first I used fantasy and compulsive masturbation, way before I even knew what sex was. These behaviors weren't a problem then—they were my solution.
Newcomer meetings—I love them! Newcomers remind me every time how deep I was in my active addiction myself, and I need such a reminder. But more important than that, at a first meeting, I can show that recovery is possible and I have an opportunity to be of service.
I received some news about my health that I was not quite ready for. It meant multiple trips to the doctor and waiting on test results. Waiting has never been a strong suit of mine. I found myself wrestling with fear, for as a sex addict, fear can be quite triggering. Fear is the spark that, if not surrendered to my Higher Power, can start a forest fire of bad decisions.
This letter is for every man I ever had sex with. I want to write this letter to make my amends to you. I have used you, either once or regularly, to fill an emptiness inside me that was impossible to fill with human “power.”
Being a sexaholic is a life-long condition, and it goes back to my childhood where I felt inadequate, unworthy, unloved, and lonely. I used to drink resentments about how I walk, talk, and my body shape. Thus, I never dismissed an opportunity to make myself feel better, including active lusting!