February 11th, 2008 Journal Entry: I let myself float off into the beginnings of lust this morning. But this time, strangely, I had an awareness of choice: an awareness of two worlds. The first was dark, although in my addiction it could seem bright and be full of expectation and excitement.

The darkness of acting out promises satisfaction. Promises control. Promises no one will get hurt. It’s the “sure thing.” I know it’s going to happen, and the expectation, anticipation, and knowing is as much a high as the getting.

But when the money is gone and time has run out, my stomach turns over, because it’s over. Despair, shame, and loneliness fall upon me. I cram down unwanted feelings. Depression descends . . . until I start to plan the next “sure thing.”

The other choice? Faith in God’s will. My addict tells me not to trust faith. Things may never change. My wife could be “distant” forever and I may never be looked at, touched, or wanted the way my fear-driven ego believes I need, ever again. This resentment breeds anger, leading to feelings of entitlement, pride, lust and eventually another “sure thing” escape plan.

For me, faith is not just believing, but knowing with all my heart that all is as it should be. Who am I to think I can control anything? Who am I to believe that other people’s feelings, actions, or thoughts are something I can manage? Who am I? I am a sex addict who fears the unknown. Faith is taking that first step into the void with complete, total confidence in God’s goodness, love, and mercy.

And what is the reward for faith, truth, and love? The reward is the union, intimacy, and the very connection promised as a “sure thing” by my dark addiction.

So let’s see . . . I choose the darkness and get the “sure thing” followed by a “sure thing” of shame, remorse, guilt, lies, and a life lived in blindness, fear, and isolation.

Or, I choose faith where the only requirement is to love one another, trust in God’s truth, and have total faith in God and the goodness of His will. With faith, I receive the “sure thing” I’m looking for because God loves me, connects with me, and feeds me the spiritual intimacy I crave.

One choice is guaranteed to lose and one has a chance to win. I choose the only action with the possibility of success.

I choose faith.

“You can’t think your way into a new way of acting, you have to act your way into a new way of thinking.”