Honesty About Addiction
In the cell block I have a friend Seth. He talks to me, is friendly and warm. He has been open and honest about his heroin addiction.
We Came to Believe
Have you ever known something—then you didn’t? Have you ever believed it—then you didn’t? Have you had faith and lost it? I have. I was a student, teacher, preacher and leader. I knew the Bible inside and out. I had faith that my God was real. I believed it with all my heart. However, I had a secret. That secret was my addiction. This addiction ate at my core.
Keeping Away From The Edge
I used to rock climb. I mean the big mountains, like the Grand Teton in Wyoming, 13,775 feet tall. These experiences taught me some valuable lessons. When I climbed the big mountains, I never climbed alone; I was always roped together with a friend as we climbed over dangerous areas. Can I apply this lesson to my lust addiction? You bet.
Emotional Sobriety
Throughout my life I used food, alcohol, drugs, relationships, sex, work, and achievements to fill up a gaping hole inside which never seemed satisfied. I had an insatiable need for recognition from people. I viewed everything through a prism of me, self-obsession to the nth degree.
Strengths and Weaknesses
I will survive if I am strong, I will perish if I am weak, I will beat my addiction, I will not admit defeat.
Humility and Honesty
My natural tendency is to vacillate between pride and shame. Maybe I hit moments of humility somewhere in between. It occurs to me is that both pride and shame are dishonest states of being, while humility is completely honest. That’s why I can slip into a false humility quite easily, because it is dishonest and still being prideful. It’s still about me, and not about God and others.
The Conversion And Humility
My battle against the addiction was devouring my insides, and the only way to cope with it was to project everything on those nearest to me. As the monks did in the Middle Ages when they flagellated their backs for having sinned, I flogged myself psychologically very hard and did that with others.
Accepting Myself
My SA bus journey has been a long ride but well worth it so far. I still don’t know our destination even after 13 years. I have gone through the Steps with my sponsors several times in the course of my journey, and I have learned that the principles of Steps Four and Five still apply to me!
Solitary Self-Appraisal Insufficient
Whenever I try to hold something back from my sponsor or renewal partner, I find lust creeping back into my life with renewed vigor. In the AA chapter “Into Action” this quote is found: “…we usually find a solitary self-appraisal insufficient. …they had not learned enough of humility, fearlessness and honesty…” (AA, Chapter 6). We find that most relapse comes from an insufficient Fifth Step (or Tenth Step).
Grateful To Be Useful
There is the old story of the monk who lived on top of a high mountain. Every day he would walk down with two clay pots across his shoulders. Once at the bottom he would fill both pots and walk back up to his small hut on top of the mountain. On arriving, one of the pots would always be empty.
