Ego has been said to mean Edging God Out. How desperately I want to sign this piece so that I’ll be admired and praised — so that I’ll feel less small and gray. But this means I am mistakenly allowing, indeed inviting, others to validate me — thinking that they can fill me up and make me whole.
When I first got sober in AA, service was not an option; it came with the package. When we work through the Steps, we eventually get to Step Twelve, which states that “Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry the message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.” When I came to SA I was told that AA’s Twelve Steps were SA’s Twelve Steps.
The following is taken from the new member orientation format of the Tucson, Arizona SA group:
This is the first meeting of SA in a long time that I’ve been to that no one but myself has attended. It’s OK with me because I need to sit quietly and try to set a course for the day. I’ve been sober two years and two months now. I’ve been forced to attempt the Fourth Step again because I do not know how to live.
Personally I feel that as a sexaholic, any sobriety other than SA’s would give me easy ways out. I just lost a friend because I did not want to have sex with him. Although I miss him, I have absolutely no regrets about having made no compromise with my sobriety. I feel clean.
Only when I own up to my addiction by sharing and getting it outside of myself do I have a real chance of living a sober life. At a recent movie I was not bothered by nakedness in a scene. If I had known there would be nakedness, however, I would not have gone. I rationalized my being there by my ignorance of the fact that there would be nakedness. One cannot control everything that happens around one.
I got the idea some time ago at an SA International Convention to try giving up movies. I could see people getting all excited about going to them, and I began to suspect that something was wrong. As far back as five years old, when they cost less than ten cents, I remember them as being a welcome change from the emotionally impoverished family environment in which I lived. For that reason, they had always been an important source of relief.
The first SA meeting was held here in El Paso recently. At first it was very disappointing. I was the only one there. At first I thought, “I’m the only one with this problem.” Then I remembered ‘Group News’ in the Essay and thought no, I’m not the only one. I’m not all alone.
The SA Conference in New York was absolutely tremendous. I got so much out of it. I have also come to a decision to serve SA on a national or international level by serving on the Loners’ Committee. I am really excited about this and I know it will help my sobriety.
Since the Vancouver International Conference in July 1992, the COOC has met on the telephone about every six weeks and at the conference in New York. COOC members are Betsy T. (Mid-Atlantic Region/Chair); Larry M. and James M. (New England/Special and Finance); David M. (Southeast/Secretary); Sylvia J. (South Central/General Service Board); Jim O. (North Central/Finance); Dave B. and Dan N. (Southwest/Special and Central Office); Harry B. (Northwest/Essay).
