Steps 1-3 brought me into the SA program (vs. just participating in meetings). Steps 4-9 under the guidance of a sponsor took me though the process of reconciling with my past and connecting rightly with God and others. Steps 10-12 keep me in right relationship with God and others and show me a path ahead to keep growing spiritually.
I am seeking a timeless and relevant God to assume ownership of all my affairs and provide guidance for all future decisions. This God will negotiate all interactions between me, my true self, and the rest of creation. My new Higher Power will direct my steps to either avoid or correctly navigate difficult and painful situations, self-induced or otherwise, at His discretion.
In the cell block I have a friend Seth. He talks to me, is friendly and warm. He has been open and honest about his heroin addiction.
Have you ever known something—then you didn’t? Have you ever believed it—then you didn’t? Have you had faith and lost it? I have. I was a student, teacher, preacher and leader. I knew the Bible inside and out. I had faith that my God was real. I believed it with all my heart. However, I had a secret. That secret was my addiction. This addiction ate at my core.
I used to rock climb. I mean the big mountains, like the Grand Teton in Wyoming, 13,775 feet tall. These experiences taught me some valuable lessons. When I climbed the big mountains, I never climbed alone; I was always roped together with a friend as we climbed over dangerous areas. Can I apply this lesson to my lust addiction? You bet.
I will survive if I am strong, I will perish if I am weak, I will beat my addiction, I will not admit defeat.
My battle against the addiction was devouring my insides, and the only way to cope with it was to project everything on those nearest to me. As the monks did in the Middle Ages when they flagellated their backs for having sinned, I flogged myself psychologically very hard and did that with others.
There is the old story of the monk who lived on top of a high mountain. Every day he would walk down with two clay pots across his shoulders. Once at the bottom he would fill both pots and walk back up to his small hut on top of the mountain. On arriving, one of the pots would always be empty.
In my SA experience, I have encountered many times when lust and arousal seem ready to overwhelm me. In recent conversations I’ve also heard these common sexaholic scenarios:
Often my willfulness asserts itself, and I have been learning the following ingredients of surrender.
