Twenty-five years ago, I was working as a procurement clerk and was made to give a tour to some clients to whom I had sent hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of proposals over the years. I had spoken with the salespeople by phone. I felt like I knew them.
On my way home to join a Zoom meeting I stopped by my mailbox. I have a subscription to a golf magazine, and this particular issue had two beautiful professional women golfers on the cover, which meant it would be full of photos of them.
Why is sobriety not something easy to grasp? Because it is very simple! Much has been said and tried to improve the sobriety of sexaholics; however, I cannot find a more efficient way than doing the following:
A thought struck me today. Each time I lust or form a resentment, I am trying to hold onto something that is not mine to hold. With lust I am taking the image of the person which prevents me from actually seeing them as a person. With resentments, I am holding onto their defects, which are normally my defects, again preventing me from seeing the person in front of me.
Earlier today, my family and I had to put our 11-year-old dog Cody down due to complications following cancer and other assorted and cumulative ailments. He was blind and had recently lost his hearing and his teeth. He had become increasingly lame, irritable, discontent and restless—boy, do I relate to those character defects.
There are, as we know, precisely twelve Steps; but there are countless recovery sayings—“Keep It Simple,” “One Day At A Time,” and “First Things First,” being just a few of the most popular slogans.
I joined the program in December 2014 and found my first sponsor from Ireland/USA through SAICO. Back then, he was based in Jordan and sober for 22 years. During my first call with him, he introduced the program and asked me to read the whole AA Big Book before working the Steps. I agreed and we ended the call.
The saying goes, “We’re as sick as our secrets.” I now also think that “We’re as sick as our stories.” My sponsor surprised me when we did our first Fifth Step by limiting my second column sharing to “ten words or less.” I was ready to explain the psychological nuances of everyone listed in my Fourth Step.
Fantasies in my life want to corrupt the real. They are not from God. They want to kill me. It’s the highest form of selfishness relating to my life during a 24-hour period. They are an enormous danger to my freedom. So I pray to God and beg him to give me the program actions during the day to live in the real world—not in fantasy.
I am a gratefully recovering sexaholic living in California. My sobriety date is November 26, 2009. At my first SA meeting, there was one other woman in the room who had joined SA four months before. She became my first SA sponsor.
