“I want to quit” is in my mind nearly every time I go a pool to swim laps. I have learned that “I want to quit!” means that I’m doing something that matters and that finishing it will benefit me. Only when I’m doing something important does my “I want to quit!” thought come to my head.
These days seem so hard at times; I keep looking for a text that will never come, a phone call that will never be made. I miss the smile and laughter I once heard and the kindness I once felt.
I have always been amused by the phrase, “Be careful what you pray for—you might get it!”
Not long ago, I did it: I put a Desire chip in my mouth. And no, it didn’t melt.
I’m grateful to have celebrated five years of sexual sobriety this past August. I don’t believe I would be sober (or three years married!) without help from my Higher Power, Who has helped me find progressive victory over lust. Through the fellowship of SA, my Higher Power has given me the tools that others have used to surrender lust, one day at a time.
I came to SA in September 2005, when I realized I was hooked on Internet pornography, and I’ve been sober since that day. Before then, I thought I could stop on my own. I actually could stop for several days on my own willpower, but then I would binge on lust for days afterward and my obsession would increase.
As hard it was to admit that I am an addict, it was equally hard to admit that I am insane. However, based on Google’s second definition of insanity—“extreme foolishness or irrationality”—I clearly am. Everything about my addiction has been foolish or irrational.
The other day a friend called me with a question. He said that, at an SA meeting he attended the day before, he discovered that he had the most sobriety in the room. He asked me whether he could learn anything from a meeting where he has the most sobriety. I told him that—no matter how much sobriety I have—God is able to speak to me through other members with less sobriety.
Following are five things I try to do every day before 5 p.m.—or “5B45.” This is the recipe that I developed for Sobriety:
I know all about doing a quick “1-2-3” when I am confronted with an obvious threat to my sobriety. For example: Should I go to the party when I know “she” will be there? In those moments, I mentally go through Steps One, Two, and Three, which I summarize as: “I can’t, He can, so let Him!”
