Have you ever known something—then you didn’t? Have you ever believed it—then you didn’t? Have you had faith and lost it? I have. I was a student, teacher, preacher and leader. I knew the Bible inside and out. I had faith that my God was real. I believed it with all my heart. However, I had a secret. That secret was my addiction. This addiction ate at my core.
Here’s an important principle for me to remember: “Selfishness—self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.” (AA 62)
As I worked the Steps, I had difficulty staying focused because I had looked ahead and knew Step Nine was in my future, and I was scared. My sponsor kept telling me, “Don’t worry. When you get to Step Nine, you will be ready.”
I grew up in India with a devout Hindu mother, an atheist physician father, Muslim friends, and attending a Catholic boarding school. Although I was exposed to multiple faith traditions growing up, I never considered myself religious and rarely thought deeply about God. I would occasionally selfishly pray before exams.
I often make sense of the principles of the program through images. When I think of unmanageability—the second part of the First Step—the image that comes to mind is a big warehouse store run by one guy who is intent on doing everything by himself. And, obviously, there is too much to do.
When I was sixteen years old I was caught having sex with my girlfriend. We had skipped school and headed to my house. A few hours later my parents came through the door. I was busted. I remember the embarrassment, anger, and disappointment I saw on my parents’ faces. At sixteen I was a full blown sexaholic, I just didn’t know it yet.
In the early recovery stages, the pain of my addiction was excruciating. Today I want to pay it forward, as others did for me. I discovered 12 essential keys that have contributed to my personal recovery.
At a convention recently, the speaker had a powerful message about comfort and change. Change often feels unnatural. We always revert to what feels comfortable.
Thirty years ago in SA I had an awful experience working on my Fourth Step. I focused solely on my defects of character and acting out behaviors. As I wrote I reacted in shame and acted out sexually. I couldn’t connect with any hope that I could get well or notice the hand of God working in my life. I was worse off after completing my Fourth Step than I was before I started it!
I am grateful for six years of sobriety, starting October 10, 2011. It has been by the grace of God, the support of the fellowship, and a whole lot of work on my part.
