I am completely powerless over pornography of all kinds on the Internet. This includes pictures and words. Something inside of me cries out against making this admission, even now. I don’t want to give up my independence. I want to believe that I can control and enjoy it. I want to believe that I can get on the Internet and not go to the wrong sites. I want to believe that I can have the Internet on my computer and not use it to go to the pornographic sites, but it is not true.

My addiction had reared its ugly head in many ways over a long period of time. Before sobriety I could look back on over 40 years of living the addict’s secret. The only bottom line I would dare claim is what I did not do in acting out. Moments of honesty about my addiction make me ask why I did not do what was left undone. Fear of being seen created a pseudo bottom line.

Greetings from the Guam SA group. We’re only two strong, but we’ve been meeting weekly for nearly a year. And God has richly blessed us. I always leave the meetings uplifted. We’ve had several others join us from time to time, but the two of us are the original members.

In a member’s family beach house, 14 hopefuls, newcomers, and old-timers travelled over thousands of miles to be together. Bonded in our need for recovery from addiction to lust, from lifestyles so varied, so alike.

Frequently my head and my heart think and feel that I am alone. This is especially difficult while being the secretary for an SA meeting of one, here in Fort Bragg, Calif. One Thursday night my Higher Power gave me a gift. It is a tool for revealing loneliness as the deception it is. I use it frequently. I call it the Gratitude Attendance Check.

Recently, I was a participant at a business meeting of our regular SA meeting. Having been in SA for four-and-a-half years and coming up on my fourth anniversary, I have attended my fair share of business meetings. However, this group conscience meeting was a test for everything that I’ve learned and read in the past four-and-a-half years. All I can say is that I left the meeting feeling as if I needed another meeting. The anger and resentment that it brought up in me was carried within for too long a time.

Terms of office were set for the first Delegate Assembly so that only half of the Assembly would be elected at any one time. Lots were drawn to decide whose term would be two years and whose term three years.

In order to be more effective in the task of the Twelfth Step and First Tradition of carrying the message to the suffering sexaholic, the fellowship appointed the General Service Board committee in July 1991, during the Chicago International Conference Business Meeting, to recommend a service structure appropriate for Sexaholic Anonymous.

I recently attended an open-mike SA/S-Anon meeting. I was looking forward to hearing experience, strength and hope from both groups. As I settled in to listen, however, an SA member approached the mike. He spoke about his childhood, his feelings of not fitting anywhere and his unhappiness with his life before recovery.

It was in a porn magazine, ironically, that I first learned of SA. This new group for sex addicts was mentioned in a short article of the ha-ha-guess-what variety. I did not laugh; it sent a chill down my spine. Two months later a local newspaper carried the famous “Dear Abby” column, and I was one of the multitude who wrote to Simi Valley. I received the SA brochure and a letter inviting me to write again if I wanted further information.

I have been working a program with a few other members of SA from different parts of the country on abstinence from TV and movies. I have been abstinent from these media since June 1, 1996. This has not been an easy surrender. Even though God has removed what was an overwhelming compulsion to utilize these media, I still experience an intense pull from them. When the lust for TV or movies comes up, I am able to pray each time — just as I do with sexual lust — and God has, one impulse at a time, given me the willingness to turn away.

I want to express my gratitude and excitement for the “White Book,” Sexaholics Anonymous. It confirms so much of my experience in what works for me in recovery.

It has taken two years, but our meeting has begun to grow. What started off as two or three of us in the basement of a church in the shadow of the Naval Academy has grown to six to eight committed members. We use a modified book study format and it seems to be working well.

The Chicago Area Retreat Committee and the Chicago Area Intergroup recently hosted their Second Annual Spiritual Retreat for SA members entitled “Pathways to Peace,” based on the theme “The Promises.” The retreat lasted for three days. It was a wonderful chance to spend a recovery-filled weekend with members of the regional fellowship.

Toronto hosted its first SA/S-Anon Marathon Oct. 19. Wow! I was blown away by the honesty I heard and I was uplifted by the strength and hope. I had misgivings going into the day because it was the first time my wife was participating in the program and the first time I was attending a joint SA/S-Anon conference. But by the end of the day, my misgivings had been washed away by a deep sense of gratitude and thanksgiving.

Recently I helped organize the one-day Baltimore-Washington SA/S-Anon Marathon, held this year in Crystal City, VA on Oct. 19. The theme was “Honesty, Open-mindedness and Willingness.” The meeting consisted of two joint speaker meetings, breakout meetings, couples meetings with a total of 96 members attending.

Our Seventh Tradition — “Every SA group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions” — is part of our meeting format. Yet it was discussed at a fellowship meeting at a recent conference that we are not fully self-supporting through our contributions. Only about half of our income comes from group contributions.

When I first got sober I made a firm commitment not to date for at least a year. Every day I had lived expecting the woman of my dreams to show up and magically change my reality. Once I found her I would no longer suffer from inadequacy, pain or loneliness. The world I hated so much would turn into a paradise. Everything would be different from then on.

The Board of Trustees met on Thursday, July 11, and again on Friday with the General Delegate Assembly. Several housekeeping issues were settled first, dealing with the length of service for trustees and delegates. In order to comply with the pending Bylaws, several members resigned dual positions to make room for more representation.

Several years ago the Central Office Oversight Committee decided that the Essay newsletter, which used to be mailed without charge to everyone on the Central Office mailing list, should be put on a “self-supporting” basis, in accordance with the principle underlying the Seventh Tradition. Members were asked to subscribe if they wished to continue to receive the Essay; the charge was set at $7.00 per year for 4 issues.