Value of Abstinence to the Sexaholic
1. To discover lust and its part in the relationship and to decouple lust from sex. Going into total sexual abstinence reveals the presence and nature of lust. Before, sex and lust were so intertwined we couldn’t see anything but the sex. Taking sex out of the picture reveals what’s really there. And it is this hidden component that must be seen and progressively overcome for true recovery.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank the fellowship for its deep concern during the recent earthquake. Many of our members sustained terrible damage, and the total loss of their homes and possessions. And yet, these are some of the members calling Central Office to offer assistance if needed.

Sharing was, for many of us, the first gift of the program that we really felt. The meeting provided an island of safety where we felt we could open our darkest secrets to an understanding group of friends. In time, however, we have come to learn that our sharing is an integral part of our progressive victory over lust, both as individuals and as a group.

The measure we gave was the measure we got back… This timeless little phrase has never meant more to me than it does now.

Hello. I’m Harvey A., a sexaholic. I thought of all kinds of openings, but the one I want to say is how much I love my wife. She’s been having to bathe me, she’s been having to drive me, she had to put my socks on. This is a woman who … no woman should have to go through what she went through from my disease.

[One SA group’s guidelines for staying sober today; submitted at the January 1994 Rochester conference.]

Thank you for referring the recent SA inquirer from Arkansas to me. We had an excellent newcomer’s meeting. We also discussed starting a meeting.

I am just a couple of days back from the Rochester ’94 gathering. I came home with a full set of cassette tapes, and many feelings and impressions and memories. This overwhelming sense that I came away with—and I think this is a wonderful sign—is a sense of inner peace, such as I have never before experienced. Could it be a glimpse of the “serenity” we all seek? This feeling of peace is for me a confirmation that I am on the right road now, in the right place, among the right people. Thank God!

My name is Mike and I am a sexaholic. I have been sober now in AA for 25 years and have gone to any length to maintain my sobriety, and yet at times I felt so alone and different from most people. The tears inside that would not come out. The people, places and things that were going to make me whole—they never worked. The hole I felt inside, the despair, never being myself, thinking “This time it will be different. This time it will be OK,” only to fall again, more and more isolated, feeling more resentment, and wanting inside to hurt back.

There are still only the two of us, and we are both still struggling with Step One, but we have both made progress, and are glad to be part of a fellowship that addresses this particular problem. Some contacts have been made with other “loners” in the U.S. and U.K. and we shall continue to maintain them.

I can hardly contain my enthusiasm for what is happening in SA, at least here. We had our first meeting last night under the “new format” and it was very powerful. (Not only that, it was 90 minutes instead of two hours — by group conscience) and everyone stayed afterwards for talking and fellowship.

This article was written to stimulate further discussion among sponsors and sponsees about what is working for them and how we may help another better seek humility and the more complete surrender to our Higher Power as we grow in recovery.

Central Office needs contact people (name, address and phone number) for new inquirers to call. The listing below shows, by state, the first three numbers of the postal Zip Code areas in which we have no contact person. This means that while we have many calls from people suffering, in some cases we are unable to help them find a meeting in their area.

I was talking to another SA member recently about healthy marriages and how to have one, and he suggested that I propose a “corner” in the Essay for members to share what is working for them in that area. I think we spend too much time talking about acting-out behavior and not enough about having healthy relationships. If we truly have surrendered lust, then what better do we have to do with our time than learn how to be more intimate with our spouses and/or friends?

A few years ago my 12-year marriage was collapsing, my wife was ready for a divorce, we were growing apart, and I couldn’t understand it. Today it is clear to me that I was the problem. I was obsessed with myself and my stuff, and I was obsessed with other women. I couldn’t keep my eyes and mind off them.

We have recently begun something new here in San Diego—an open Sexaholics Anonymous meeting. I have not heard of this being done elsewhere in the fellowship, and so would like to share this experience with you.

Our first SA meeting was held on the night of August 15, 1993. After more than two years of waiting and praying for an opportunity to carry the SA message to another suffering fellow, the most joyful moment in my progressive victory over lust came when I personally welcomed a native of Papua, New Guinea, to my room and had a direct heart to heart sharing with him.

Portland Sunday Night East is fluctuating with attendance between 18-35, and sobriety from none to three years. Dennis B. is acting secretary and Dan K. is treasurer and everything else. Two members celebrated one year of sobriety: Dan P. in August and Dan K. in October. Also Matt B. will celebrate one year in October.

Our group is still small—nine in all—but we have good attendance at meetings, and growing sobriety. Honesty and solid sharing mark our meetings, which include at times hearty laughter, at other times the weeping that comes from intense pain or joyous release. Not everyone has a sponsor, and that’s troublesome. We’re also working on starting and closing our meetings punctually.

On Tuesday, September 7th, the first SA meeting in Saudi Arabia, to our knowledge, was held in Dhahran at the house of one of the members. So far there are only two of us, but we have some literature which I brought from London, and we both have experience of other Twelve-Step programs.