Chapter 5 of the Big Book tells us that honesty is a prerequisite of recovery. What does honesty mean for me? If I lie to you, even if I know the truth inside, I’m not being honest. Why? Because my outside doesn’t match my inside truth.
A daily renewal is one of the best practices in my recovery from sexaholism. One morning my renewal partner said, “Matthew, you have UNICORN SYNDROME. You don’t realize how unique you are, how rare it is to have done the work you’ve done at your age and to have found recovery, or how unrealistic it is to expect your wife to be in the same place as you are.”
Hi, David. It’s Max. I wanted to call. I’m having a good day today. Had some lust earlier. I’m surrendering it. I’m feeling pretty good and feeling good about that. I’m grateful for the program and grateful that I don’t have to live in lust. Today I feel like I’m practicing humility and remain teachable.
When in my first year I was literature chair for my home group, I purchased several anniversary chips for those that may want to carry a nicer anniversary token. At my one-year anniversary as my sponsor was ready to hand out chips, I slid this beautiful one-year token across the table and smiled. He picked it up and looked at it with great admiration. Then he reached in the token box, pulled out a bronze one-year chip, and handed it to me.
For over twenty years I lived in the merciless downward spiral of Lust. As my disease progressed, the unmanageability increased, the consequences were greater, and I was powerless to save myself. By the Grace of God, over 9 years ago I walked into a meeting of SA and was given the gift of freedom. Yet, that gift of freedom did not happen overnight nor by accident. It took many years of good Step work and quality sponsorship to get to a comfortable and clean sobriety.
The so-called 18-Wheeler (“Overcoming Lust and Temptation,” SA 157) has been a series of trust building exercises for me. My sponsor suggested I read one wheel a day, reflect on it, and share my thoughts and experience as I go along.
The sexaholic on the telephone was palpably discouraged. “My lust does not seem to be getting better,” he said. “I still want to type sexual search terms into my computer. I find myself fantasizing about contacting women I’ve seen. Why doesn’t my lusting get better?”
One night not too long ago my wife said to me “Why don’t you bring home some wine and chocolate after work, and we could have sex.” She said that to me having just asked if I was interested in having sex at that moment, but I said I was tired. In this situation I think the two of us not having had sex for over a year had something to do with my response.
Earlier today I was talking with my wife about some older friends who attend a religious service every day of the week. As we discussed their devotion, she said that the way in which I work my SA program is pretty much like that, too. I agreed with her.
I’m a sexaholic which means I’m powerless over lust and lust will always win the battle if I try to stop my diseased mind from lusting. Powerlessness means the battle is already lost. There is no point in trying to struggle any longer. I have nothing left to do but unconditional surrender.
