One gift of SA has been the recovery in my marriage. I have no right to a happy and fulfilling marriage. I am certainly not worthy of this, but I have an amazing Higher Power who loves me no matter what—and for some reason, He seems to get a kick out of loving me through others, including my wife. Imagine that!
When I went through my first 90-day abstinence period, my sponsor suggested that one purpose for this abstinence was to discover that sex was totally optional. My wife and I have done several abstinence periods, from 45 to 90 days. Each experience brought a deeper understanding about ourselves and this disease.
My name is Tom and I am a recovering sex addict, gratefully sober for eight years. I am constantly reminded that I still need the program, including the Steps, my sponsor and the Fellowship. Recently in a local SA meeting I reflected on an Essay article about masturbation that we read and shared.
Five months before we retired, my wife and I made the last payment on what had been a sizeable debt for our family’s education loans. We thanked God as we sat next to each other on our love seat in our living room. We sat silently for a moment, each lost in our own thoughts. She was the first to speak and her words disturbed me. She asked, “Do you think we will ever buy my rings?”
My wife and I recently celebrated our 50th wedding anniversary, and I can honestly say that the last 13 ½ years have been better than the first 36 ½ years, for two reasons. The first reason is that I’ve been sober for 13 ½ years, and the second is that in the last 13 ½ years we have experienced honesty, respect, unity, and love—love that is expressed in so many different ways in our relationship.
It’s 4:23 a.m. as I write this. Before getting up to write, I had lain in bed for half an hour processing a close call. The close call was not the trip to the emergency room we made the night before, when my daughter needed medical attention.
I came into SA in 1993 with a desire to fix my marriage. I had heard other newcomers share this goal, and it seemed reasonable to me. But placing my marriage relationship before my personal recovery led me to significant danger.
When I got sober in SA, I had to learn what healthy sexuality is and how to experience true intimacy. I had never experienced either one for any prolonged period in over 30 years of marriage. My relationship was plagued with control and avoidance. My wife knew something was wrong, but for many years I denied it.
Progress toward a healthier, more intimate sexual relationship with my wife of more than 31 years is one of the gifts I’ve experienced through SA. Even the fact that I’m still married is a miracle.
SA is not a fellowship of only celibate people! Even though I know many married members (as well as single members) who are celibate, our sobriety definition allows sex within marriage. In fact, many married members of our fellowship actually have sex in marriage and stay sober!
