The last weekend of August was one of the most unforgettable events in my life, when 48 SA and 9 S-Anon members gathered in Stirling for the Scottish SA Convention. Fellows from the UK, Italy, Spain, Germany, Ireland and Netherlands joined us in doing together what we cannot do alone.
Grief was foreign to me. I had not experienced it as close as I did until my Dad passed away in June 2021. We were planning for a Father’s Day lunch just two days before he had an accident that caused some head injuries. Three days later, we were planning for his funeral.
I am a female member in Iran. When I came to SA in 2010, there were no other female members in my city, no meeting space, no Intergroup and no White Book or Step Into Action book. Apart from the AA Big Book and 12&12, we had only a few SA pamphlets translated into Persian.
What was the fellowship like in my early days of recovery? According to what I remember and knew, it was: certainly not ideal! We had no published literature but used PDFs and printouts. We didn’t have SA materials to work on the Steps but used materials from other fellowships. Multiple-year sobriety was something unusual.
No one as a child growing up ever thinks they might one day end up in jail or as a sexaholic. Yet, that’s what happened to me. I am a female sexaholic, sober since January 19, 2020.
Dear Essay readers, I was asked to introduce this special edition, as I had the wonderful privilege to chair last May’s worldwide online event “Supporting Women in SA.” You may have wondered why it is necessary to support women in SA or thought it is an outside issue or a controversial topic. Well, then this issue of Essay is for you.
I brought a friend into the program, and encouraged her to feel free to share anything with her sponsor. She said, “Anything?” And I answered, “Yes, anything and everything.” Then I shared more of my experience, strength, and hope with her. She asked if I could be her sponsor.
Lust corrupted my childhood. I was violated when I was very young—an inappropriate act that distorted my perception of sexuality, reality, and love. For years afterward I went around with an aching, infinite emptiness inside me. I bandaged the pain with a blindfold and contented myself to live in darkness, like someone living down a deep water well.
As a pre-school age child, I learned how to use a vibrator as a sex toy. That’s how it all began. I had never heard the word “sex” and knew nothing of sexual intimacy. But I knew what felt good, and was immediately hooked.
I was exposed to men’s magazines at the age of seven and didn’t realize it was abuse. At the age of nine, I was sexually abused by another girl, who was 10, and experienced a lot of confusion. The confusion increased when I was sort of forcibly converted to Catholicism at the age of 11, which led to a whole load of guilt.
