After I had about a year of sobriety, a friend of mine in the program asked me for a favor: Would I go with him to the local internet customer service center to be sure he would follow through with his decision to have his internet service disconnected?
In 1998, I believed I had a good life. I was 50 years old and satisfied in my marriage of 25 years, secure in my job, and content to have raised two grown children who were now out of the house. At the time, computers were the latest technology, and the Internet was an intriguing way to spend time talking with people from all over the country.
I don’t remember when I discovered Internet pornography, but I know now that I was in trouble from the moment I first saw a hard-core image on my screen. Initially I didn’t think much about it.
It’s after 2 a.m. I need to get up and ready for work at 5 a.m., just three short hours away. I must try to get some sleep. But what if there’s an opportunity for a connection with another lonely heart out there? What if I’m missing something? The East Coast should be waking up by now.
The Internet is one of the greatest dangers to sobriety for many sexaholics. Pornography is just a click away. There are some boundaries that work, and others that don’t. It seems that we can get around most any boundary.
Although I had owned a computer since 1994, I never once ventured into the murky seas of lust-driven Internet surfing — not even through four years of graduate school during which I spent hours doing online research. Not until June this year. This proved to be the final straw that led to acting out after thirteen years of sobriety.
I was a pornography addict working for an internet service provider who developed video over the internet. This was a blessing (if you ask my sponsor) and a curse (if you ask me). Like a drunk who went from hard liquor to beer, I shifted from hard core to chats, from chats to personals, and then from personals to on-line games with chat capabilities.
For over 30 years I had pretty much controlled and enjoyed my acting out, or at least (in my pre-recovery, delusional thinking) thought I had. Nine quick and horrific months after gaining access to the Internet, I was in a sex-addiction therapy group and had become an active member of Sexaholics Anonymous.
I am completely powerless over pornography of all kinds on the Internet. This includes pictures and words. Something inside of me cries out against making this admission, even now. I don’t want to give up my independence. I want to believe that I can control and enjoy it. I want to believe that I can get on the Internet and not go to the wrong sites. I want to believe that I can have the Internet on my computer and not use it to go to the pornographic sites, but it is not true.
After a year and a half in the program, four months of sobriety, and working steps one through five, I began abstinence from a major trigger for me: television and movies.
