Fellowship
Motivation is fleeting, Despair is seeping, Slowly I’m sinking into myself.
We Shall Recover the Feeling of Joy
For many years in my adult life, even after coming to SA, I did not enjoy the year end holiday season. Even after celebrating Christmas seasons with my son and my ex-wife, I have struggled with a sour and grumpy attitude about the whole experience. During the last five to ten years of my “sober” marriage with my current wife, my dark holiday cloud at times brought her to tears.
Overhaul Of The Self
In my last home there was a sump pump in my crawl space to remove excess storm water. It was a real piece of work — the wrong type of pipe was used to install it, the backflow prevention device didn’t work, several supports were missing causing the pipe to sag in places, and somebody had wrapped a broken 90 degree fitting with electric tape to try and stop a leak.
Overcoming Father Anger
My disease destroyed the relationship between my father and me. He was a dominant alcoholic, disapproving of everything I did. Phone calls with my father ended with me throwing my phone to pieces against the wall. I believed this was a reasonable reaction for someone with a father like I had. I always acted out after calling him. My resentment against my father was fuel for my sexaholism.
Sobriety and Distorted Relations
In my experience, I see sobriety as a calm lake that reflects a blue sky, without clouds, without anxiety. I remember that when I had a relapse it was as if someone (myself) had thrown an immense rock and the waters on the surface of the lake were shaking, leaving my mind, my sensations, confused and altered, with anxiety to consume more and more.
3 Levels of Disturbance
I believe the SA newcomer has three levels of disturbance: temptation, obsession, and compulsion. The last level, compulsion, has to be broken first. This is done by the newcomer following every suggestion of the sponsor. When a sponsor suggests an action, I immediately face a decision: follow the sponsor’s suggestion or do what I want to do.
Lessons From Buzzards
The last two weeks have been a huge opportunity for me to grow along spiritual lines. As always, if I just look, I can see how everything is interconnected, and teaching me new spiritual lessons.
A Good Sponsor…
As with a lot of things in the Program, I grew into sponsorship. First, I had to learn to be a good sponsee and work my own program well. Then when I began sponsoring, I learned from my sponsees. Here is what I have learned so far.
The Real Threat
As I sit here in meditation, it is dawning on me the biggest threat lust has on me is it takes the cord of my soul and plugs it into myself, as the White Book suggests. It is absolutely impossible for me to be truly present for my wife, my kids, and real-life significant relationships.
Let Go Of The Coins
For me this is a Program of action. I use a handful of coins with newcomers as a tool to explain Steps 1 through 3.
