IN THE CURRENT MAGAZINE

The so-called 18-Wheeler (“Overcoming Lust and Temptation,” SA 157) has been a series of trust building exercises for me. My sponsor suggested I read one wheel a day, reflect on it, and share my thoughts and experience as I go along.

For over twenty years I lived in the merciless downward spiral of Lust. As my disease progressed, the unmanageability increased, the consequences were greater, and I was powerless to save myself. By the Grace of God, over 9 years ago I walked into a meeting of SA and was given the gift of freedom. Yet, that gift of freedom did not happen overnight nor by accident. It took many years of good Step work and quality sponsorship to get to a comfortable and clean sobriety.

When in my first year I was literature chair for my home group, I purchased several anniversary chips for those that may want to carry a nicer anniversary token. At my one-year anniversary as my sponsor was ready to hand out chips, I slid this beautiful one-year token across the table and smiled. He picked it up and looked at it with great admiration. Then he reached in the token box, pulled out a bronze one-year chip, and handed it to me.

Hi, David. It’s Max. I wanted to call. I’m having a good day today. Had some lust earlier. I’m surrendering it. I’m feeling pretty good and feeling good about that. I’m grateful for the program and grateful that I don’t have to live in lust. Today I feel like I’m practicing humility and remain teachable.

What if, just for today, I surrender my fear, my sense of being overwhelmed? What if, just for today, I surrender my ecstasy of successes or accomplishments? What if, just for today, I turn over to my Higher Power the trials and triumphs of the day? What if those surrenders let me focus on the one next right thing I need to do?

There are probably as many ways of practicing humility as there are people in the SA Fellowship, but a few are common to all of us. First, we admit we need help daily. Second, we ask for help. Third, we accept the help we receive. The only condition is that I can’t ask someone to do for me what I can do myself at the time of asking.

At the beginning of my plunge to the bottom, everything looked perfect on the outside. I was well educated, successful in business, had a lovely family, traveled frequently on business. It seemed like life was going well. My inner reality was somewhat different. Business travel presented an ideal opportunity to act out of my lustful fantasies.

Some time ago I found an unusual black box in the dashboard of my car. It was a SatNav (also known as a GPS) with the initials GOD printed on it. I didn’t program this SatNav, and I do not know the destination. God did that.

My Step One experience brought me to the bedrock belief that I am powerless over lust, that my life had become unmanageable. That powerlessness resulted in a experiential understanding that I had no control anymore over lust. Lust controlled me, and there was nothing I could do in my effort to change that.

One year into my sobriety (thanks to His grace) I began my first ever 90 days of sexual abstinence with my wife. Then my sponsor gave me the following direction: “We want you to give up your right to drive your car, one day at a time.”