Dear Essay readers:
This issue of Essay includes many stories on “Sobriety and Relationships.” Our next issue in May 2019 will focus on “Open Mindedness.” Please send in any stories or short articles on your experience with Open Mindedness in sobriety. Future topics are August, 2019: SA At 40 Years! October, 2019: Prison Issue. Let us hear from you at essay@sa.org

I have gratitude for the wonderful SA International Conference just completed in Madrid, Spain and want to share a HP moment. I came home believing I could go most anywhere in the world today and find an understanding SA friend to welcome and listen to me.

I am sitting here on a Madrid to Edinburgh flight waiting to take off. Last Friday I walked to the convention center. I knew I had not registered. Having emailed two of the core committee I knew the important thing was that I got to the center. Soon after entering I offered to help the registration team with the influx of 300+ members wanting to register.

After the Madrid Convention some remaining members gathered at the Prado Museum. The Prado is such an amazing museum, so much fantastic art that it can be overwhelming.

A fellow Spanish speaker asked, “Will you come to the International Convention?” With sadness I answered, “I can’t go, I don’t have enough money to travel from Colombia, South America to Spain.” He told me, “but it is the first Convention that will be translated into Spanish and English and you are the delegate of the Latin American Region …” I prayed to my Higher Power to put myself in Its hands. My friend told me to ask for help. To my surprise the help arrived!

The excellent SA International Convention in El Escorial outside Madrid was a great success with over 300 SAs and regional S-Anons in attendance. The facility and the global audio streaming (with up to 50 SA listeners for each session) and the major talks were inspiring. Translations were provided by hard-working volunteers.

When I walked through these doors, all I knew was that I had screwed up, got caught, and wanted to get out of my predicament. My wife was ready to end 38 years of marriage and be rid of me—and my mood swings, impatience and insatiable demands for sex. I got a sponsor and began the Steps.

My wife and I were asked to give a SA/S-Anon workshop in Toronto. We planned a vacation around this trip, including driving to St. Louis from Nashville and then continue the drive to Toronto via Niagara Falls. This was a bit optimistic for a 79 year old man, but sanity has not been one of my stronger qualities!

My first meeting in SA was in Jacksonville, FL Monday night at 7 p.m. I was more of an outsider looking in at that time. I would come in, say a few words maybe, and mostly keep to myself. I saw people successfully working a program and doing what was suggested to them by their sponsors and in the literature.

The ancient Japanese art of Kintsugi incorporates mixing of gold or silver dust with lacquer to join broken pieces of pottery or ceramics together. Not only is there no attempt to hide the damage, but the respair is literally illuminated and the repaired object becomes more valuable than the original.

Motivation is fleeting,
Despair is seeping,
Slowly I’m sinking into myself.

For many years in my adult life, even after coming to SA, I did not enjoy the year end holiday season. Even after celebrating Christmas seasons with my son and my ex-wife, I have struggled with a sour and grumpy attitude about the whole experience. During the last five to ten years of my “sober” marriage with my current wife, my dark holiday cloud at times brought her to tears.

In my last home there was a sump pump in my crawl space to remove excess storm water. It was a real piece of work — the wrong type of pipe was used to install it, the backflow prevention device didn’t work, several supports were missing causing the pipe to sag in places, and somebody had wrapped a broken 90 degree fitting with electric tape to try and stop a leak.

My disease destroyed the relationship between my father and me. He was a dominant alcoholic, disapproving of everything I did. Phone calls with my father ended with me throwing my phone to pieces against the wall. I believed this was a reasonable reaction for someone with a father like I had. I always acted out after calling him. My resentment against my father was fuel for my sexaholism.

In my experience, I see sobriety as a calm lake that reflects a blue sky, without clouds, without anxiety. I remember that when I had a relapse it was as if someone (myself) had thrown an immense rock and the waters on the surface of the lake were shaking, leaving my mind, my sensations, confused and altered, with anxiety to consume more and more.

I believe the SA newcomer has three levels of disturbance: temptation, obsession, and compulsion. The last level, compulsion, has to be broken first. This is done by the newcomer following every suggestion of the sponsor. When a sponsor suggests an action, I immediately face a decision: follow the sponsor’s suggestion or do what I want to do.

The last two weeks have been a huge opportunity for me to grow along spiritual lines. As always, if I just look, I can see how everything is interconnected, and teaching me new spiritual lessons.

As with a lot of things in the Program, I grew into sponsorship. First, I had to learn to be a good sponsee and work my own program well. Then when I began sponsoring, I learned from my sponsees. Here is what I have learned so far.

As I sit here in meditation, it is dawning on me the biggest threat lust has on me is it takes the cord of my soul and plugs it into myself, as the White Book suggests. It is absolutely impossible for me to be truly present for my wife, my kids, and real-life significant relationships.

For me this is a Program of action. I use a handful of coins with newcomers as a tool to explain Steps 1 through 3.