My natural tendency is to vacillate between pride and shame. Maybe I hit moments of humility somewhere in between. It occurs to me that both pride and shame are dishonest states of being, while humility is completely honest.

Part of me knew from very early on that I was a sexaholic. Part of me didn’t want to admit that or accept it. Part of me wanted to be rid of “the addict.” Part of me wanted to give into that and just enjoy my acting out.

Does meditation impact my recovery? Absolutely! I meditate in order to formulate how to complete each Step. I find meditation to be helpful to new members to simplify the Step process.

“I want to quit” is in my mind nearly every time I go a pool to swim laps. I have learned that “I want to quit!” means that I’m doing something that matters and that finishing it will benefit me. Only when I’m doing something important does my “I want to quit!” thought come to my head.

These days seem so hard at times; I keep looking for a text that will never come, a phone call that will never be made. I miss the smile and laughter I once heard and the kindness I once felt.

I have always been amused by the phrase, “Be careful what you pray for—you might get it!”

Not long ago, I did it: I put a Desire chip in my mouth. And no, it didn’t melt.

Dear Barbara,
The service structure of SA would like to take this opportunity to thank you for your service to the Fellowship of SA as the editor of ESSAY. We would love to give you a standing ovation for your efforts. Since we know how much that would embarrass you, we will remind you that you can pull out this letter if you ever need to feel appreciated.

The year 2015 has been an eventful one for me, for my home group, and for the French-speaking Intergroup. I came to SA in March 2012, at a group located in Lille, France. My home group in Lille opened in 2009 and has grown steadily. This is the only SA group in France.

Early this year, I was invited by the EMER Regional Assembly to travel and give some talks to the fellowship, at the Poland Congress of SA/S-Anon (October 23-25), in Poznan, Poland; The First Annual SA/S-Anon Retreat in Lille, France (October 30-November 1); and the Fifth annual Russian-speaking SA Convention (November 6-8) in Moscow.

While attending the International Convention in Portland in January, I found myself saying to God that I was ready to be of service again. Shortly thereafter, I ran into an SA member living in Russia.

On February 10th, 2014, I learned that Randy had passed away from a heart attack a few days earlier, while on a holiday cruise with his wife. Randy would have had five years of sobriety on February 22, 2014. Randy’s life had quite an impact on me, and I have felt moved to share it.

When I attended my first SA meeting on June 7th, 2014, I finally learned what my problem was. Hearing “The Solution” brought me hope. During my last year of acting out, I had become a chronic marijuana user and daily drinker. I was high on something 24 hours a day, and I withdrew from lust, alcohol, and drugs all at the same time.

I’ve had a month of feeling low. I’ve got lots of excuses, such as changing jobs, loss of significant other relationship, family issues, and poor diet and exercise. It all adds up to excessive sleep and self-pity. Going back to my Fourth Step work, I can see my defects coming to life. No wonder sobriety has been a challenge.

In SA’s Step One, I admitted that I’m powerlessness over lust (not over a particular behavior), and the Third Tradition states that the only requirement for membership is “a desire to stop lusting and become sexually sober” (SA 209). Both the Step and the Tradition remind me that lust lies beneath my acting out behaviors.

I’ve learned a lot in the past seven-plus years that I’ve been in recovery. I’ve learned that knowledge (like half measures) avails me nothing. Primarily, it does not get me the one thing I cannot get on my own: sobriety.

May I never forget the sexaholic who still suffers. With just over one year of sobriety, the freedom I’m experiencing is indescribable. The freedom I have been blessed with is a gift that brings peace, joy, serenity, and an absence of the ravages of my disease.

Five months before we retired, my wife and I made the last payment on what had been a sizeable debt for our family’s education loans. We thanked God as we sat next to each other on our love seat in our living room. We sat silently for a moment, each lost in our own thoughts. She was the first to speak and her words disturbed me. She asked, “Do you think we will ever buy my rings?”

I desperately wanted to have the SA/S-Anon marriage recovery story that one hears of from time to time in our rooms. I’ve probably read the “ending” (or better said, the “true beginning”) of the story in the White Book (SA 149-154) a dozen times or more. I would have done anything for that to be my story—but it has not been my story and it is not the experience, strength, and hope that I have to share.

My name is C. and I’m a gratefully recovering sexaholic from Ireland. Some years ago I heard an old-timer say at a convention that, before he was married, he knew a lot about lust but did not know much about sex. I identified with this because it is also true for me. Through SA I’ve learned that lust and sex are two entirely different things.