I got married twice before finding my way into Sexaholics Anonymous. I thought those marriages would save me but my best thinking got me divorced.

Trustees met earlier in the week. They received committee reports, discussed the success of the November SA Internet Marathon (SIM) and how to distribute the SIM recordings, and considered the new California law change regarding private information.

The Recovery Day took place on the 4th of February in the regular meeting location of the Tottenham, London group. 23 fellows attended the day representing 9 groups, from London, Leeds, Bournemouth, and one fellow from the United States. The theme of the day was Step One.

Consistent with Tradition 11, AA receives promotion and referrals from medical professionals, therapists and psychologists, clergy, corporations, and the media. Thus members need not break their anonymity to promote AA. I believe that we in SA need to be seen. Otherwise, we let professionals, clergy, and other S programs treat most of those seeking help.

One Sunday morning driving along a beautiful lake I recognized that I was feeling serenity and gratitude. That is a renewed experience for me.

I don’t know if my experience is like anyone else’s or not. But not only did I never “figure it out,” trying to figure it out became a roadblock to surrendering (give up, let go, and let God). This kept me from having the necessary change in attitude and taking the action Steps necessary to connect rightly with God and find sobriety and freedom from lust.

My Step Eight amends list had one individual who was going to be challenging. I was hesitant because I feared a confrontation. I knew that I was wrong and I would have to admit it to him. This had been a burden on my soul and there was no moving forward into the grace of my Higher Power’s forgiveness if I held grudges toward others.

One gift of SA has been the recovery in my marriage. I have no right to a happy and fulfilling marriage. I am certainly not worthy of this, but I have an amazing Higher Power who loves me no matter what—and for some reason, He seems to get a kick out of loving me through others, including my wife. Imagine that!

A couple of months ago, I retired. Finally I came down to the last couple of days and it was time to say goodbyes, which would include some affectionate goodbyes. That was good and bad, because ¾ of my co-workers were women. I was looking forward to some hugs and not entirely in a healthy way.

This is my second trip to an out-of-town city for a two day work trip. The first trip I met with the new group I am working with. We spent two long days in tough preparation for our business that concludes today. There was a lot of hard work, and laughing, and getting to know each other.

“Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake” (AA 417).
I am reminded of this again today. I don’t go to church. I avoid religious people and situations like the plague. I believe in a Higher Power and I am still learning who He is. However, I still really struggle with my old concepts and beliefs.

Isolation has always been a danger for me as a sexaholic. Before coming to SA, I lived my life in a bubble, withdrawn from others, cut off from any type of Higher Power, out of touch with reality, lost in my world of illusions. I was uncomfortable dealing with reality, and preferred the comfort of isolation, in which I could bask in lust and let my ego reign in all its glory.

Recently married for the fourth time, the marriage already unstable due to my disease, I arrived at SA in early 2002. I’ve been sober since July 18, 2008. However, sober isn’t well, and my anger persisted. Finally my wife left me in 2013. At that time, I was a GDA delegate and attending International Conventions. I had an unmarried sponsee who needed dating guidance. What did I know about sober dating?

For years I thought I took sober dating very seriously. My partner and I had been sexual together in 1991 and all hell broke loose. I prevented her contacting me ever again. and fled back to the UK. Then, five years later I reasoned things were different. She and I reconnected at an SA international conference. “This must be God’s will” I reasoned. My sponsor wasn’t so sure. “Make sure you are never alone together” he said.

I am very fortunate that I was blessed to find sobriety in SA before getting married. I am also thankful that my sponsor required that I had stable sobriety before giving me permission to date. During the dating period, in addition to my meetings and Step work, I checked in with him multiple times during the week, especially checking in after spending time with the young woman I was dating.

My experience in Sexaholics Anonymous is that for most of us, significant relationships are part of our recovery. I never tell my single SA sponsees not to date because they are going to date anyway, and I don’t want them thinking they have to lie to me. SA is not a program of celibacy for all—thank God.

One way that I find myself still engaging in lust is to say something—anything—that might be flattering to a woman. I might say something about a woman’s hair, or her earrings, or clothing, or perfume. Other times I will compliment what a woman has done well, when my motives are unclear.

Hi, my name is Yitzy and I’m a sexaholic. My sobriety date is October 30, 2018. My home group is ESH of Brooklyn, NY. I have a sponsor and I have taken all 12 Steps and I sponsor others. I would like to thank my Higher Power, who I choose to call God for allowing someone like me to have this amazing experience with dating in recovery and to be able to share it with others.

For the sexaholic there is nothing good about obsession. One way to surrender obsessing is singing the Obsession Song. The lyrics are below and the tune is Frère Jacques.

Over three sober decades in SA there have been quite a few pieces of “bad news” for us sexaholics. They all arise, like our entire program, from our experience, strength and hope. Each issue of Essay under Practical Tools we’ll share some pieces of “bad news”:
• Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. There is no wiggle room in this statement.