IN THE CURRENT MAGAZINE

I did not quit, I surrendered. I began my journey in this program when a friend from Al-Anon told me I was a sexaholic. To prove her wrong, I agreed to go to six SA meetings. During those six meetings I slowly came to admit that I was a sexaholic. At the beginning I made no eye contact with other members and I did not share. There were six other SA women at my first home group meeting. We went to two meetings a week as a group, which helped me to connect with the program and then I started to share.

Clarity ... clarity is something that I need and wish to have and never lose. Clarity is something that I get when I pause, listen and think. Clarity is a God-given present when I take care of myself and others. Clarity is what I get when I don't let life challenges take over my brain. Clarity is what happens when I try to become a channel of Thy peace. Clarity is when my brain is clear and I can think in a healthy fashion.

My life in recovery is full of miracles today—the biggest of them is that I am recovering from this disease, this enslavement to lust, for which there is no cure. And another huge miracle is that I am grateful today; I used to be never grateful.

I came to SA in 2008. Up until that point, my life had been a succession of compulsive masturbation, pornography, voyeurism, exhibitionism, and countless stealthy contacts or one-night-stands with other men. The only experience of connection was a 20+ year abusive relationship with an alcoholic man.

When I was still in the addiction and looking for a way to stop, I came across SA. I had approached SA before, a year earlier, but had done so only half-willingly, and at that time I never made it to a meeting. Needless to say, things got worse.

Four years before I came to SA, I sought help with a professional therapist. I was out of control and knew it, acting out in ways that put me in immediate danger of death. There was a titillating news story of a man who accidentally hung himself in a sexual escapade.

At first I thought that the term, “sobriety,” didn’t fit with what I thought a sexaholic was because I had no experience with alcoholism. But when I came into these rooms eight years ago I learned that sobriety was difficult to obtain because it was about my state of mind and what I might do with it if I didn’t get spiritually fit.

My story regarding accepting the SA sobriety definition begins when I was first dabbling in accountability and monitoring from others—but not yet in SA. My main goal was to stop masturbating, but I wasn't yet ready to give up sex outside of marriage and certainly didn't have a desire to stop lusting.

"Slowly but surely, some wisdom and humility began to creep in. I became more teachable. I found God working all around me where previously I was sure I had been alone. When I opened my eyes enough to see the miracle, it was right in front of my face. I was growing in God’s love" (AA 430).

On March 21, 2011, just 48 hours before I came into this fellowship, I was sober two weeks. On that particular day I was feeling supremely confident that I would never give in to my addiction again. Only problem was, I had had that supreme confidence a thousand times before over almost half a century.