So, here I am in anticipation after my long journey
Waiting on the hanging canopy swing in the shade of two giant elder pine trees
With my son on the side of my sister’s house in Northern Idaho
It’s a peaceful summer mid-afternoon with a few fluffy clouds in a high blue sky
As my son and I take turns napping on the swing waiting for someone to arrive home

You want 12 Steps, man, now and with no rent just say I can’t [YEAH] and give up your old tent!

As water quenches,
Lungs breathe,
Mothers nurture,
Music soothes.

Over three sober decades in SA there have been quite a few pieces of “bad news” for us sexaholics. They all arise, like our entire program, from our experience, strength and hope. Each issue of Essay under Practical Tools we’ll share some pieces of “bad news”:
• We make a decision to get angry. Then we find something to get angry about. Same with resentment!

Service is a critical part of recovery, but it is one of the most poorly understood Program concepts, in my opinion. I’ve been in the Program for 19 years, and for 17 of those years, my idea of service was flawed. I believed service was about helping addicts only. I did not see it extend outside of these boundaries.

I have been in and out of SA for 13 years and my newest sobriety date in April 7, 2019. Why? I never put recovery first, until now. In the past 13 years there have been periods of sobriety, living as a dry drunk, and acting out and ignoring the Fellowship and the Program.

An issue that was nagging at me for the past few years was the state of my White Book. Pages were falling out and it was frayed in places. This was due mostly because it comes with me everywhere. Even though I have another White Book, my frayed copy has been with me to meetings in eight different countries on three continents, and to many countries without SA meetings. It is always in my backpack.

If you are in a painful and seemingly
endless cycle of relapse, unable to
scrape together a few weeks or just a
few days of sobriety AND you are willing
to do whatever it takes, then read
on.
The approach you are about to read
is not for the faint-of-heart. It is for
those whose pain and desperation is so
severe they would “climb a mountain
of broken glass if it would relieve their
sex addiction.” If you have not worked
a normal SA program of recovery, then
you do not need to try the regimen described
here, as this is truly the last
stop before in-patient treatment. It is, if
you will, a three month Olympic Training
Program for sobriety.
Before diving into it, we need to
recognize one activity that is positively,
absolutely off-limits for the next
90 days—thinking. Intellect is useless
in combating sex addiction; in fact, for
most of us it is counter-productive.
“Where has your best thinking brought
you?” as the saying goes. Find the
switch in your head labeled “fruitless
thought cycles” and turn it off. When
you slip back into idle thought, stop
right away and do something. Do not
worry, there will be plenty of “somethings
” to do.
The first something is to get a sponsor.
I regret having to remind folks of
that, but lack of sponsorship is an epidemic
in SA. What athlete expects to
compete in the Olympics without a
coach? Sometimes we hear claims like
“There just isn’t anyone I feel I can
work with.” If that describes you, flush
your ego. Quit looking for that perfect
someone to save you and ask anyone
with sobriety to be your sponsor. If
you respond that there is not anyone in
your area with enough sobriety to
sponsor you, please ask yourself if
such a minor obstacle would have kept
you from acting out. Then ask someone
with just a little sobriety, call the
SA Central Office (615 370-6062), or
widen your meeting attendance. Having
a sponsor is not optional. Find a
way to make it happen.
Coincident with your sponsor
search, begin your “90 in 90.” Put a
start date on the calendar—today—
and attend ninety meetings in ninety
days. This is imperative, regardless of
your success in staying sober. Get to a
meeting every day for the next three
months.
By the way, if you are balking at this
Olympic training program already,
then it is not meant for you (yet). Try
an easier, softer way. Then when your
life gets even worse, and you are sufficiently
desperate, perhaps you will be
ready to accept this rigorous training.
For those who are still reading, you
are welcome to be creative with your
“90 in 90.” Having done three of my
own “90 in 90s,” I have found it useful
to count certain alternatives equivalent
to SA meetings, such as AA meetings,
other “S” meetings, one hour of phone
calls, or listening to SA or AA tapes
(glennkaudiotapes.com). Plan ahead,
and work things out with your sponsor
so that you can accomplish this daunting
task.
As you travel the local meeting circuit,
find a way to do service for at least
one SA meeting. This is critical to your
recovery, so take the initiative. If nothing
is available for a person without
sobriety, phone lists need to be maintained,
newcomers need to be welcomed,
the room often needs to be set
up, and it always needs to be put back
together. Likewise, find out how your
home group attends to service matters.
Attend the business meetings of your
home SA group, because your
“personal recovery depends on SA
unity” (Tradition One).
For the same reason, take the initiative
to dine with other teammates (SA
group members) three or more times
over the next 90 days. Find a restaurant
where you can eat before or after one of
your meetings, and invite others to join
you. You will be amazed at how powerfully
this type of fellowship can
strengthen your recovery muscles.
When you attend meetings, say very
little and listen a lot. Be one of the first
people to speak, talk no more than one
minute until you exceed 30 days of sobriety,
and refrain from dumping your
acting-out guilt on your teammates. Just
stick to describing how you are working
your program. Get current outside
of the meeting with program friends
and your sponsor. Similarly, if your
meeting has the custom of stating how
your addiction manifests itself, limit
yourself to mentioning one behavior.
Keep in mind that these are not guidelines
for every one, they are your guidelines.
Now, far more important than what
you do and do not say, in every meeting,
pay careful attention to the words
of the sober members and apply their
lessons-learned to your own program.
If your mind often wanders during sharing
because you are a compulsive
thinker, make every effort to focus
when old- timers talk. They have what
you do not have, so listen to them. Put
into practice what you hear.
Assuming your area has one, include
an AA Big Book Step Study as one of
your weekly meetings so that e you can
work the Steps. There is no activity
more central to a Twelve Step Program
than working the Twelve Steps.
Yet, folks do anything other than the
Steps. Inevitably, they despair of the
Program: “It just doesn’t work for
me!” Oh really? You worked all
Twelve Steps with your sponsor and
you did not experience sobriety?
Without delay, get to work on the
Steps, starting with Step One. It does
not matter that you left off on Step
Three before your relapse, or you are
on Step Eight in AA, or you worked all
the steps in SA four years ago. You are
not sober; therefore, you think you
have power over lust and you can manage
your own life. Step One is just
right for you. If you do not know how
to work Step One, ask your sponsor.
You can also read the step in the White
Book, the Twelve and Twelve, and the
Big Book. Anyway, the “how” really
does not matter, the “what” does. It
might also be helpful to note that completing
a step does not matter, working
it does.
Get a journal. Like working a step,
the journal you will keep is a process,
not an accomplishment. Make at least
three entries per week. You can write
about literally anything you want. You
can also do this whenever you want.
Many of us find it effective to journal
in the morning.
The morning is a great time to accomplish
several other daily tasks you
will do for the next 90 days. First, eat
breakfast every day. As part of the solution,
regular nourishment sustains us
throughout the Olympic training regimen
and helps us fight withdrawal.
Looking at the problem, hunger is a
powerful sexual trigger. If we are irritable
by mid-morning, chances are we
will act out by evening.
Second, pray at a regular time each
day. When you do pray, place significant
limits on self-centered prayers.
Do not pray for yourself beyond the
general sentiment of “Higher Power,
please keep me sober today.” Instead,
spend the next ninety days praying for
other people, leaving your wants unspoken.
I realize this suggestion may
terrify you. Trust me. You really will
be okay.
Third, write a daily list of gratitudes
and fears. Begin by doing it your own
way, but as soon as possible, learn how
to do it from Best of Essay: Practical
Recovery Tools. Read the whole thing,
starting with “Fear to Gratitude Lists.”
Fourth, if you use the internet to act
out, eliminate access to the internet for
the next three months. If you and your
sponsor agree that is not feasible, then
get a daily email partner. Send him or
her a screen shot of yesterday’s web
browsing history and a short summary
of how your recovery is going, regardless
of yesterday’s internet use. (You
can also subscribe to internet services
which will automatically email your
web history to whomever you designate).
Fifth, no matter how you act out
sexually, get phone renewal partners
for each morning of the week. This
could be the same person or seven different
people. There is a suggested
format for renewals in Practical Recovery
Tools. You can ask others how
they do it. At a minimum, admit your
powerlessness, turn over your will, get
current, and reveal any plans you have
to act out today. Renewal calls usually
take between five and twenty minutes.
Sixth, make another program call in
the evening. Talk about whatever you
want to, as long as you make a connection
with another teammate.
Finally, here are two less-traditional
components you could add to your
program—chores and smiles. Create a
comprehensive to-do list to keep yourself
busy the next three months. Your
yard should look great, your dishes
should sparkle, your car should shine,
and your lenders should smile. You
get the idea.
Once a week, deliberately make
someone smile. Pick a person whom
you want to make smile and then do
something thoughtful. (This type of
thinking is actually encouraged, but it
has to be practiced).
Before long, you will be sober:
“Rarely have we seen a person fail
who has thoroughly followed our
path” (AA Big Book, p. 58). You will
complete your training program and
finally get to participate. But of
course, we are not talking about the
Olympics, we are talking about Life.
May God protect you and keep you
until then.

Literature sales: As anticipated, the Fellowship is showing signs of filling its Step into Action and Real Connection book inventory. The strong initial sales could boost 2019 Net Literature sales to $75,000 compared to the $60,000 budget.

Our literature tells us the only scoffers at prayer are those who don’t do it enough. The same might be said for service.

Long-time SA members were saddened to learn of the passing on July 12, 2018, of John A., an influential member of SA in the early years of the Fellowship. John sponsored many SA members in Baltimore Maryland from the mid-1980s to the 2000s. A lawyer by profession, John stressed the importance for recovering sexaholics to live by spiritual principles.

Dear Essay readers:
This issue of Essay includes many stories on “Freedom Behind Bars.”

At first, Step Three for me (“Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him”) was just the surrender that I heard talked about in Sexaholics Anonymous meetings.

Bruce A., a grateful recovering sexaholic, sober since January 2019. I am thankful for the SA fellowship with our Bottom Line definition of sexual sobriety. For me, part of my daily working the Steps is reminding myself I am powerless over lust in all its forms. I admit that any lust drink can plunge me into the pit of my life being unmanageable.

Service is a critical part of any recovery program and is one of the most poorly understood parts of Sexaholics Anonymous. For seventeen years my idea of service was flawed and hindered my ability to stay sober. I thought that service was about being of service only to addicts. I am writing in order to help those who may have a similar understanding of service.

Since childhood, I’ve had a recurring, upsetting dream where I found myself standing before my father in fear of punishment. Feeling guilty for engaging in inappropriate behavior with other kids my age, I would just freeze and stare at my dad, unable to look into his eyes, while trying not to show fear or to cry.

The Central California subregion held a Step workshop in Sacramento, conducted by a sponsor & sponsee on a Step. After being assigned to share on Step 2, I found out that neither my own sponsor nor any of my sponsees were available to attend. I contacted a member I’ve been sponsoring in prison, asking him if he would prayerfully consider partnering with me as a “speaker.”

Thankful to God for the opportunity to share the SA experience strength and hope with the prisoner.

Imagine living in a small, plain white-walled cell for ten years with an addiction to lust. Imagine life with no help, no one to confide in and no hope of breaking out of physical, emotional, and spiritual hell.

I often feel helpless in the face of what my godchildren share with me, but despite this I often feel that they help me a lot in my recovery. Unintentionally, they give me ideas that strengthen me. One of those ideas is the importance of service.