How many sexaholics does it take to change a light bulb?

In more than one place in the AA Big Book it says “…and when all else fails, work with another alcoholic.”

The hardest part of any Step work for me is starting my writing sessions. Once I get started, I usually have the momentum to continue because I know I’m doing a good thing for myself—like someone with a heart condition cutting down on salt.

1. Does the meeting start and end on time?

My Ninth Step amends were about changing behaviors on a regular basis for years.

Recently I became acquainted with a new sponsee. I realized early on that he had serious problems: unfaithfulness to his spouse, involvement with prostitutes, and other faults which I too had experienced before entering recovery and working the Steps.

I can now see how my sexaholism isolated me from family, friends, workers, and employers in the past. I found fault with them in my “terminal uniqueness.” Nobody had a story like mine; therefore, I could not relate to anyone else. In the end, all I had was my sexaholism.

The other night I had a dream which stripped my lust of its pastel pink and purple euphemisms. I have avoided the word lust in my litany—preferring to tell myself that I crave “an affair of the heart”—further dressed up by such phrases as “out of my deep loneliness and chronic disconnection from others, I have sought soul mates, persons to join me in (at worst) the warmth of romantic fervor.”

Lust is the driving force behind my addiction, and if I allow myself to lust, then I will act out, sooner or later. When I consciously harbor lust, even in small amounts, it’s the same as an alcoholic taking a drink.

In early recovery I was terrified of my lust. It led me to cause great harm in my life, destroyed my career, nearly destroyed my family, caused a great deal of public shame and embarrassment for my wife and me, and cost a lot of money. I found that when lust came up, my fear made me fight lust, and that made the lust stronger.

Before recovery I would go to any lengths to get my way. I would lie, cheat, steal and manipulate to get what I thought I needed. I was even willing to work hard to get my desired outcome. But once I got what I wanted, I soon began to want something else.

I was sitting on my front porch yesterday, enjoying the beauty of God’s world around me. There are lots of trees, birds, squirrels, and even an occasional deer to help me focus on the serenity of nature.

I’ve learned in recovery that sexual sobriety is a gift, granted by God as I understand Him. Sobriety is not something I can control, any more than I can control lust.

What if you never had to act out sexually again?

I acted out. I practiced hard at it. I started at a young age. I lived my life in fear and fantasy. I did not know how to live in the real world. I wanted to be any place but “here.” Fantasy would take me over “there.” I acted out to feel better; I liked it, and I pursued it to the gates of insanity and death.

Moved to task the Internet Committee to strengthen local website meeting information so that the burden of facilitating contact with newcomers and members becomes more of a local function than a SAICO function.

Dan N. was my sponsor. He died on June 22nd at his home in Kimberling City, MO. Having tried unsuccessfully to work the program on my own my first five years in SA, I decided after a terrifying night of acting out that I needed to work the Steps with someone who was successfully staying sober, had a way of solving his problems that worked, and had a peace of mind that I didn’t have. Dan had what I wanted, and was willing to share what he had with me.

Although I had finally gotten sober for several months, I was still very disturbed by old resentments and fears, and was dragging my feet on the Step I was supposedly working on. One day, after expressing frustration over my stagnation to my sponsor, he suggested that if I did some sort of service it would raise the ante in my program.

I’ve always had an approach-avoidance relationship with working the Steps. I always feel great after having done some writing on a Step, but it can take quite a long time for me to stop the squirrel cage long enough to actually sit down and start writing. The fact that I took five years to work the first three Steps in the program tells me that I wasn’t in any great hurry to recover from my self-destructive behaviors and attitudes.

I left the ways of the old life behind.
Now I ride with the gulls in the stream,
Among the wayward sirens singing.
To whom do you prefer to turn?