What do frogs, Bill and Lois W., and kisses have in common? For me, a sex addict, each can trigger my obsession to act out sexually.

Recently a former sponsee came to me in a personal crisis. He was in a financial jam that I saw was clearly the consequences of his disease. I “let him have it”—for his own good of course, and with the best of intentions.

For the typical lust addict, our whole system screams out that we’re going to die if we don’t take that “drink.” It’s too fearful not to drink. Lust is our spiritual life-support system. Yes, the fear is that real. So, we wind up drinking. We’re hooked on it and remain a slave. It’s the fear of this kind of death that keeps us in bondage and forces us to keep slipping with lust.

As the Essay goes to press, groups around the country are voting for the second time in the history of Sexaholics Anonymous on matters concerning the Fellowship’s sobriety definition and the interpretation of the words “marriage” and “spouse.”

Dear God,
So far today, I’ve done all right. I’ve kept my mouth shut, I haven’t gossiped, haven’t lost my temper, haven’t been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish or over-indulgent. I’m really glad about that.

The more I am in the program, the more I see that this is a God-centered program. I am not only powerless over lust, I am powerless over people, places and things. When I depend on them, sooner or later they will disappoint me.

When I hit the bottom and crawled into the rooms in February 1990, I was a crawling contradiction. On the one hand, I was — as I learned painfully in the following months — spiritually bankrupt. However, I believed I was spiritually put together. Didn’t I know all about God? Couldn’t I teach others about Him? Hadn’t I established an identity as a religious person? The sad truth was that I knew a lot and understood nothing.

When I came to the program I had a lot of religion but I didn’t know or have God. The only real power I believed in was my power to control. I always wanted God to just zap me and take all my sex problems away. I really had to come to believe in a Power greater than myself.

Just to let you know that SA in Montreal is still going good. We have one meeting every evening except Thursday, and one noon meeting downtown on Friday.

My acting out includes masturbation with pornography, affairs, voyeurism, and anonymous sex with prostitutes. I’ve been attending SA meetings for six years, and only two weeks ago fully worked my “first” First Step. Based on my experience I’d have to say that meetings work. Period! I mean any 12-Step meetings.

I was plagued all my life by low self-esteem.

I was born to and reared by two sexaholics. By the time I left home, I was consumed by lust energy. It was all I had known since puberty. It defined me, I thought.

More inmates are learning about Sexaholics Anonymous, thanks to the efforts of our members to carry the SA message behind prison walls. Some members are corresponding with and sponsoring inmates. Some are contacting state and local correctional officials to see if they are open to informing inmates about our fellowship. Some are working with SA groups inside prisons and some are contributing to the SACC Literature Fund so that more inmates can read about the solution to sexaholism.

A good deal of discussion within the fellowship over the last several months has centered around the issue of whether or not the SA sobriety definition needs to be clarified. The SA sobriety statement reads: “In defining sobriety, we do not speak for those outside Sexaholics Anonymous. We can only speak for ourselves. Thus, for the married sexaholic, sexual sobriety means having no form of sex with self or with persons other than the spouse. For the unmarried sexaholic, sexual sobriety means freedom from sex of any kind. And for all of us, single and married alike, sexual sobriety also includes progressive victory over lust” (Sexaholics Anonymous, pages 191-192).

The article from the March 1998 issue of Essay “Only a Deluge of Grace Could Save Me” touched me very much. After reading it, I came to realize that sexual sobriety is a gift from a loving and compassionate God to one who admits the delusion and betrayal of lust, who is ready to call for help with a sincere desire to recover, and who is willing to do anything possible to work the 12-Step program as suggested and guided by a good sponsor.

Let me begin with a clear and obvious announcement to you. I am sick. I am very sick. And I was terribly sick. Because of this illness I am with you in the great and wonderful, life-giving fellowship of SA. I’m delighted to be able to do this.

I hear many people at meetings introduce themselves like this, or in a similar way. Sometimes I hear, “I’m AA, Al-Anon, OA, SA and ACOA.” What kind of secret language is this? Why do we have to express ourselves in such a complicated manner? Why do we have to name a number of groups to introduce ourselves as people? What is this introduction good for?

I came to SA having been sober in AA for 17 years. In AA, I never celebrated my anniversary. I felt that the “numbers” would distract me from being aware of what is really happening with me — my inner thoughts and feelings.

I was two weeks sober in SA, lying in bed in the middle of the day in a hotel room 1,000 miles from home, watching television. It will come as no surprise to anyone in our fellowship that I was consumed by lust and trying to talk myself out of acting out. “Look, Michael,” I said to myself, “nobody in SA expects you to stay sober right away. If you masturbate, you can always go back to the meetings and tell everybody about it, and nobody is going to be disappointed in you. And besides, you can always put together a couple of weeks again!”

Recently the idea came to me that the members of our SA group might pray for each other. Our group has been growing, and praying for each other can be a way of supporting and strengthening each other. At each meeting, we pray for SA members yet to come when we have a moment of silence. How else can I pray for others?