I have been sober in SA for a little over four years. I would like to share some things that have worked for me as a single sexaholic:

Every time we say—and it sounds contradictory, doesn’t it?—we are trudging the Road of Happy Destiny, trudging sounds like a burdensome sort of thing, and Happy Destiny a bit odd, too. And every time we say that, which is at every meeting, there’s a sort of a snicker, or you feel a heaviness, or there’s a bit of a smile as you say “trudging the Road of Happy Destiny.”

We want to thank all members who have helped us to carry the SA message to sexaholics in correctional institutions. Progress is being made, as comparisons of the last two years demonstrate:

At the SA International Conference in Sacramento in January, the SA General Delegate Assembly reported on the results of a survey of SA groups on the question of whether the SA sobriety definition needed clarification. [See “Newark Motions Implemented” in Dec. 1998 Essay, p. 12, for background.]

The Third Step prayer reads: “God, I offer myself to Thee—to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy will always!” (Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 63).

The high point of the Sacramento conference for me came when my friend Alex* asked me to attend a check meeting. He was dealing with the difficulty of a separation from his wife and had sought the counsel of an old-timer who had many years of experience with check meetings. The old-timer offered to lead the meeting and gave Alex the names of some women to ask as well.

What do frogs, Bill and Lois W., and kisses have in common? For me, a sex addict, each can trigger my obsession to act out sexually.

Recently a former sponsee came to me in a personal crisis. He was in a financial jam that I saw was clearly the consequences of his disease. I “let him have it”—for his own good of course, and with the best of intentions.

For the typical lust addict, our whole system screams out that we’re going to die if we don’t take that “drink.” It’s too fearful not to drink. Lust is our spiritual life-support system. Yes, the fear is that real. So, we wind up drinking. We’re hooked on it and remain a slave. It’s the fear of this kind of death that keeps us in bondage and forces us to keep slipping with lust.

As the Essay goes to press, groups around the country are voting for the second time in the history of Sexaholics Anonymous on matters concerning the Fellowship’s sobriety definition and the interpretation of the words “marriage” and “spouse.”

Dear God,
So far today, I’ve done all right. I’ve kept my mouth shut, I haven’t gossiped, haven’t lost my temper, haven’t been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish or over-indulgent. I’m really glad about that.

The more I am in the program, the more I see that this is a God-centered program. I am not only powerless over lust, I am powerless over people, places and things. When I depend on them, sooner or later they will disappoint me.

When I hit the bottom and crawled into the rooms in February 1990, I was a crawling contradiction. On the one hand, I was — as I learned painfully in the following months — spiritually bankrupt. However, I believed I was spiritually put together. Didn’t I know all about God? Couldn’t I teach others about Him? Hadn’t I established an identity as a religious person? The sad truth was that I knew a lot and understood nothing.

When I came to the program I had a lot of religion but I didn’t know or have God. The only real power I believed in was my power to control. I always wanted God to just zap me and take all my sex problems away. I really had to come to believe in a Power greater than myself.

Just to let you know that SA in Montreal is still going good. We have one meeting every evening except Thursday, and one noon meeting downtown on Friday.

My acting out includes masturbation with pornography, affairs, voyeurism, and anonymous sex with prostitutes. I’ve been attending SA meetings for six years, and only two weeks ago fully worked my “first” First Step. Based on my experience I’d have to say that meetings work. Period! I mean any 12-Step meetings.

I was plagued all my life by low self-esteem.

I was born to and reared by two sexaholics. By the time I left home, I was consumed by lust energy. It was all I had known since puberty. It defined me, I thought.

More inmates are learning about Sexaholics Anonymous, thanks to the efforts of our members to carry the SA message behind prison walls. Some members are corresponding with and sponsoring inmates. Some are contacting state and local correctional officials to see if they are open to informing inmates about our fellowship. Some are working with SA groups inside prisons and some are contributing to the SACC Literature Fund so that more inmates can read about the solution to sexaholism.

A good deal of discussion within the fellowship over the last several months has centered around the issue of whether or not the SA sobriety definition needs to be clarified. The SA sobriety statement reads: “In defining sobriety, we do not speak for those outside Sexaholics Anonymous. We can only speak for ourselves. Thus, for the married sexaholic, sexual sobriety means having no form of sex with self or with persons other than the spouse. For the unmarried sexaholic, sexual sobriety means freedom from sex of any kind. And for all of us, single and married alike, sexual sobriety also includes progressive victory over lust” (Sexaholics Anonymous, pages 191-192).