I had many friends, a loving family and a caring wife. But all this was not enough. I wanted others to see that I was confident and knowledgeable. Wanting people to only see what I wanted them to see. Yet in the quiet moments I felt alone. My thoughts and actions of lust separated me from those relationships.

I’ve physically acted out in my sleep. An old-timer who had the same problem suggested that I wear pants under my pajama pants. Acting on this suggestion has helped me avoid touching myself, providing as it does, an extra layer between myself and lust.

Not long ago, I did it: I put a Desire chip in my mouth. And no, it didn’t melt.

La única novedad anual que sucedió en mi familia, aparte de mi cumpleaños, fue la llegada de las vacaciones. Solíamos ir a la playa todos los años y la libertad que el mar y las olas producían en mí, suavizaba la angustia de tener “padres especiales”, que no se amaban y que incluso podían divorciarse.

Dear SACFC and friends,
We know your life, and the lives of your loved ones, depend on your recovery and recovery depends, much of the time, on service. During this time it is easy to forget about those incarcerated, even as we take care of ourselves. Our primary purpose of carrying the message has not changed, due to the virus, not one bit.

The Corona Virus has disrupted the Fellowship contribution supply line. Most 7th tradition collections begin at our local face-to-face meetings. But we are not allowed to meet at our regular meeting locations. We have taken to phone and Zoom meetings to carry our message of recovery. But how do we make of 7th Tradition collections?

In First Light an old-timer went through Member Stories and copied the part that was the turning point for that sexaholic.

To the Essay:
After six years of continuous struggle in Sexaholics Anonymous, my Higher Power granted me the gift of sobriety. My sobriety date is the 5 September 1993.

Dear Essay readers,
This issue of Essay includes many stories on “Travel & SA Recovery.” Our next issue will focus on “Lost in Translations” (experiencing SA in other languages and cultures) in August, 2020. Please send in any stories or short articles on your experience with language changes in Sexaholics Anonymous.

First quarter results were promising. Fellowship contributions were back to budget levels. Literature sales were returning to normal. We were finding the way. We were on the right track. Then the Corona Virus struck in mid-March. There was no warning; there was no ramp up; there is no play book. Our meeting room lights were shut off, not dimmed, but just dark. The Fellowship found the way.

I have attached my goals for the next year in SA. These are to enhance my sobriety. I am going to do a goal every week and write about it in a journal.

The March 2020 Asia Pacific Online Unity event was a huge success.

Can I focus on what I will do to deal with my problems without first admitting I have problems? What does “rigorous honesty” mean, if not to open up to others about my defects? How did I first identify with others in SA and feel that I belonged, other than to hear about the mess others had put themselves through? Why do we read in meetings first about “The Problem” before sharing “The Solution”?

When we come to SA the most important question we can ask ourselves is “What is the point of sobriety?” Maybe we want to strive to “get something back” or to “get something” in the first place — a husband, a wife, a job. Maybe we work to be just “good enough,” mostly sober. Or maybe we just keep coming back to get support for our illness like Roy talks about in Recovery Continues (p67).

When you asked me about how to respond to temptations, I thought I could share a few suggestions and insights with you.

One day a sexaholic out walking alone fell into a pit. The pit was deep. As much as he tried, the sexaholic couldn’t get out. He tried to jump up and to climb up, but this proved useless. He was stuck in the pit with no apparent way out.

For years I had not set up a voicemail on my phone. It just did not seem worth the time or energy. Out of a sense of ignorance, I was not thinking of anyone else’s convenience. I suppose I figured I wasn’t worth leaving a voicemail for anyway. However, at the urging of my sponsor I went ahead and activated my voicemail.

Whenever I get into negative or obsessive thinking, I try to remember the great promise of recovery from sex and lust addiction as I first experienced it. We all remember where we were and what we were doing when first we learned of something that would forever change our lives, especially something that promised us freedom from a hopeless state of mind and body.

Recently I faced the most severe challenge I’ve had in 18 months of sobriety. An explicit image and message appeared on my phone out of the blue one day when I was in a meeting at work. Like a deer in headlights, I was struggling to know what to do next. I thought it might be someone I had acted out with in the past.

I was born in a religious family who always believed in Allah and His power. Actually I was believing that He can do anything except this one thing, so I had problems. I couldn’t pray and ask Him about this addiction. I was so resentful how my life was totally destroyed. I can’t describe the remorse and self-pity I felt every time I relapsed.