Isolation has always been a danger for me as a sexaholic. Before coming to SA, I lived my life in a bubble, withdrawn from others, cut off from any type of Higher Power, out of touch with reality, lost in my world of illusions. I was uncomfortable dealing with reality, and preferred the comfort of isolation, in which I could bask in lust and let my ego reign in all its glory.

Recently married for the fourth time, the marriage already unstable due to my disease, I arrived at SA in early 2002. I’ve been sober since July 18, 2008. However, sober isn’t well, and my anger persisted. Finally my wife left me in 2013. At that time, I was a GDA delegate and attending International Conventions. I had an unmarried sponsee who needed dating guidance. What did I know about sober dating?

For years I thought I took sober dating very seriously. My partner and I had been sexual together in 1991 and all hell broke loose. I prevented her contacting me ever again. and fled back to the UK. Then, five years later I reasoned things were different. She and I reconnected at an SA international conference. “This must be God’s will” I reasoned. My sponsor wasn’t so sure. “Make sure you are never alone together” he said.

I am very fortunate that I was blessed to find sobriety in SA before getting married. I am also thankful that my sponsor required that I had stable sobriety before giving me permission to date. During the dating period, in addition to my meetings and Step work, I checked in with him multiple times during the week, especially checking in after spending time with the young woman I was dating.

My experience in Sexaholics Anonymous is that for most of us, significant relationships are part of our recovery. I never tell my single SA sponsees not to date because they are going to date anyway, and I don’t want them thinking they have to lie to me. SA is not a program of celibacy for all—thank God.

One way that I find myself still engaging in lust is to say something—anything—that might be flattering to a woman. I might say something about a woman’s hair, or her earrings, or clothing, or perfume. Other times I will compliment what a woman has done well, when my motives are unclear.

Hi, my name is Yitzy and I’m a sexaholic. My sobriety date is October 30, 2018. My home group is ESH of Brooklyn, NY. I have a sponsor and I have taken all 12 Steps and I sponsor others. I would like to thank my Higher Power, who I choose to call God for allowing someone like me to have this amazing experience with dating in recovery and to be able to share it with others.

For the sexaholic there is nothing good about obsession. One way to surrender obsessing is singing the Obsession Song. The lyrics are below and the tune is Frère Jacques.

Over three sober decades in SA there have been quite a few pieces of “bad news” for us sexaholics. They all arise, like our entire program, from our experience, strength and hope. Each issue of Essay under Practical Tools we’ll share some pieces of “bad news”:
• Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. There is no wiggle room in this statement.

A member wrote about how he is triggered so often by other people. When we discussed what he really meant by the word triggered, he answered, “I was attacked by lust.” He’s suffering and feeling that our program is not working for him.

I had a sponsee who would call me every day with a check in. I laid out a daily program of action like the one that was given to me. Every few days he would call to report he had lost his sobriety. I would say the same thing every time. Did you slide out of bed to your knees for morning prayers? Did you do your daily readings? Did you call 2 other SA members? And so forth. His answers were always the same, a half-measures “no” on most of the suggestions.

Sexaholics Anonymous reaffirms itself as a fellowship of men and women in an SA Meeting Participation Statement that emphasizes that a “…spirit of inclusivity is fundamental to the identity of an SA group.” For valid reasons, women are a minority in SA meetings. Many meetings have no women at all. This makes it very difficult for a female newcomer to feel welcome in SA, even though she needs the SA program every bit as much as her male counterpart.

En mi experiencia me he dado cuenta que SA es como un río. Cuando un compañero nuevo llega, el río quiere arrastrarlo a la recuperación. Pero nadie tiene motivos puros al llegar, como se dice en el libro Blanco. Por consiguiente, el compañero a veces se resiste.

Take the $10 check a prisoner sent to SA International Central Office in appreciation for the White Book he was sent.

Preliminary third quarter results were better than expected, due to a large gift from the German speaking region. We thank them for their generosity.

In Drunk on Rage the writer examines his reaction to being honked at and receiving an immediate amends.

Dear Essay,
Hello, recently we had the best Monday Noon meeting in quite a while here in Akron, Ohio. All due to the beautiful share [in the October 2019 Essay] of Wendi from Colorado! Her topic was “Practicing the Principles.”

Dear Essay readers:
This issue of Essay includes many stories on “Miracles In Recovery.” Our next issue in February, 2020 will focus on “Sober Dating.” Please send in any stories or short articles on your experience with dating experiences in Sexaholics Anonymous. Future topics include: Travel and SA Recovery in May, 2020 and Lost in Translations in August, 2020. Let us hear from you at essay@sa.org

In December, 1994 the SA International Central Office moved from Simi Valley, California to Nashville, Tennessee. Roy K. traveled to Nashville to help hire a new administrator. Our first administrator left shortly thereafter due to a death in her family. On August 28, 1995, Kay Shotwell began working as SAICO administrator.

The SA Ontario Intergroup is working in collaboration with the S-Anon Ontario Central Intergroup to present “True North 2020: Happy, Joyous and Free,” the SA and S-Anon International Conventions in Toronto, Ontario, Canada, on July 24-26, 2020. We invite you to join us here in Toronto to take part in this inspirational recovery event.