IN THE CURRENT MAGAZINE

This evening I feel I’m a very lucky man. God has given me an opportunity to live a joyful life. I celebrated my 40th birthday on the weekend. My wife, children, my Dad and Mom, brothers and sisters and their children were all there sharing this big day with me. The previous week, my wife and I went on a quiet drive through Nova Scotia where we shared the fresh air, spring flowers and lovely countryside. These times are special moments to cherish.

I’m Paul H., a grateful sexaholic, sober since December 1996. The nature of my disease is lusting, wanting to be lusted after, compulsive masturbation, use of pornography, dependency relationships, and anonymous encounters.

Over the weekend of April 24-26, the 4th Australian SA conference was held at Camp Cottermouth, Canberra, the national capital. 28 members from around Australia attended. The theme for this year’s conference was “The Real Connection.”

Over 40 SAs and S-Anons from all over Europe gathered at Mill Hill, just north of London, for the first European SA/S-Anon Convention over the weekend of March 27-29. The theme was “Freedom,” progressing through the Steps with successive sessions entitled: “Freedom from Obsession”; “Were Entirely Ready”; “Pathway to Peace”; and “Of Myself I Am Nothing.” Saturday afternoon was devoted to sessions for couples, women and “recovering entrepreneurs,” which explored the lust-money-power connection. Saturday evening was devoted to the usual absurd quiz games, music, poetry and fun.

During high school I was getting more and more confused. I would hitchhike and pick up men for sex in exchange for money to buy drugs or impress my friends. My “friends” were druggies. I was surprised that good looking girls would hang around me. I was an egomaniac with an inferiority complex.

About a year ago I worked the Twelve Steps with my sponsor. I thought I was doing fine even though my sponsor left town. Then I noticed problems developing in my relationship. My wife noticed it too. She said, “Things were going better when you were working the Steps.” So I decided to do another Fourth Step focused on my relationship. I got a new sponsor to work with me. Here are the defects and fears I identified, followed by the way I have put what I’ve learned from this Step into practice in my life.

Some people have asked me about the fear list and gratitude list. I don’t have a formula, but here’s how I do them:

Peter S. here, sober at the moment by the Grace of God. I have a mental disorder that qualifies me as one of those “who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders.” It is simply a neurotransmitter imbalance in my brain that makes me incredibly susceptible to mood swings. Nothing has made that more apparent to me than just the weather here in Seattle yesterday and today.

I just returned from our Tuesday night Step meeting. During this meeting we take a 30-minute session for each person to do individual Step work, which is then shared with the group. I have found it necessary to return to Step Two and I thought I would share on that Step in order to make my “taking” of that Step more real to me.

This is my first post to the cyber meeting. I am only two months in the program and 21 days sober, but I have had an incredible awakening. Things are seeming to happen in my life from many different avenues. I received a “welcome home” greeting this morning when I was added to the e-mail list, which caused me to sit at my computer at work with tears streaming down my face. I can’t explain it, but I know that God has gotten a hold of me somehow after all these years.