IN THE CURRENT MAGAZINE

I’m Mark, a sexaholic, and I’ve been sexually sober since April 27, 2002. I would like to share about the disease of sexaholism in my life—but mostly I would like to share about the solution I’ve found in SA. And I would like to tell my story by walking through the Steps.

My wife and I were putting away our Christmas tree this past December. It’s an artificial tree with lights wired into it, and it looks pretty in our front window at night. But packing it up for storage is a struggle.

Before I came to SA, lust was destroying my sense of self. My lust was always self-directed. I could fool myself into thinking I was finding fulfillment in an image or in another person, but only God could fill that hole in my soul.

Dear God, A simple and profound “Thank You” for this gift of sobriety (as defined in SA 191-193)—for in the middle of a daily task, I am struck with simple and utter gratitude for not having acted out for the past nine months.

The other day a friend called me with a question. He said that, at an SA meeting he attended the day before, he discovered that he had the most sobriety in the room. He asked me whether he could learn anything from a meeting where he has the most sobriety. I told him that—no matter how much sobriety I have—God is able to speak to me through other members with less sobriety.

As hard it was to admit that I am an addict, it was equally hard to admit that I am insane. However, based on Google’s second definition of insanity—“extreme foolishness or irrationality”—I clearly am. Everything about my addiction has been foolish or irrational.

When I came back to SA in 2010, I think I was spiritually dead. The White Book’s description of spiritual death described me exactly. Although religious, I was deeply depressed and isolated. I had just crashed my way out of yet another career and yet another marriage. I was ready to die. I had survived a suicide attempt.

Hamburg, Germany at Christmastime! I had the good fortune to visit this beautiful city in early December, as part of a trade delegation of about 35 folks—mainly elected officials, business people, and government types from our region.

This autumn, I’ve been raking leaves in the yard and on the driveway. As I pull the piles of leaves together and get ready to put them in the wheelbarrow, I find the same refrain running through my head: “I want to quit doing this!” In practice, I just keep raking.

I’m now eight years sober, thanks to the grace of my Higher Power, the help of my sponsor, and the encouragement of program meetings. I have not seen many beatific moments in my recovery, but there has been steady, plodding growth as I work my program one day at a time.