IN THE CURRENT MAGAZINE

Six years ago my life was a sewage pit of porn, masturbation, promiscuity, homosexuality, bestiality, incest, and dozens of other things I thought I absolutely needed to get through the day. I would get sick of what I was doing. My wife and my boss threatened me. I would swear that I’d never do it again. And yet, despite my best intentions, my best efforts, within days (or at most weeks), I was back doing the same things again and again.

Before recovery, whenever I tried to stop acting out, my life went insane. I started doing stuff that was so strange that I thought I was literally losing my mind. I’ve since learned that what I was doing is not all that uncommon. I simply couldn’t cope with living without acting out.

You write to me that the group you started and tried to hold together is gone.

We recovery folks have a lot of dirty words. Surrender is definitely one of them. Yet I glibly renew my intention to surrender to God each time I do my daily renewal. So what do I know, or need to come to know, about surrender?

Before recovery, I tried to appear squeaky clean. I tried to hide my mistakes and my whole shadow side. Nothing was ever my fault. I would point out someone else’s weaknesses as a smokescreen, but I never drew attention to my own. I was alternately in denial or in despair about my character defects and the hopelessness of my life.

Before working the Steps, I thought humble meant humiliated. I thought it meant being embarrassed, feeling less than, angry, and losing my self-respect. If a task was too big for me, I was too small to be worthwhile. I learned that I was less than I should be, that there was something wrong with me.

The small church we attend cannot afford professional cleaning, so the members take turns doing it. My wife and I are on the rotation schedule, and this week was our turn. It only takes a couple of hours or so.

One of our local groups meets in a church building that is usually empty on Thursday nights. It was surprising, then, to find the parking lot half full of cars, and people of all descriptions milling around out front.

Indeed, the attainment of greater humility is the foundation principle of each of A.A.’s Twelve Steps. For without some degree of humility, no alcoholic can stay sober at all. (Twelve and Twelve p. 70) I have been asking myself just what the difference is between the Third Step prayer and the Seventh Step prayer. Both emphasize turning everything over to a Higher Power.

I find my greatest effort is to get the focus off of me and onto others. If I am doing my utmost to be of service to others, I am in a relationship with my God. I don’t have to look anymore!